Thursday, October 20, 2011

octobor is almost gone and i feel like a drifting leaf

Things have been hard lately... Not much has happened so I am unsure as to why I let things bother me.

Well mom is dating this guy she met on a Facebook game. She talks to him many times throught the day on the cellphone. iT was nice to know mom found love and to see her smiling again but it got old quick. She stopped trying to be my mom. She doesn't text me anymore, she doesn't really talk to me anymore, and she just seems invisible-even
though I can see her. Its starting to bother me that he -some guy she doesn't even know in person- is able to replace her daughter. Well I haven't talked to her about it because I haven't decided if I'm jealous -which I don't feel that I am- or if she really is ignoring me more now than before.


Mom is planning a trip out to go see him. He lives in NY and they are meating half way in CT. I felt scared when she first told me about it. I was now feeling like the parent and even had to have the "how do you know he isn't gonna kill you" talk. She is acting like a kid. She is driving down there to meat a stranger. I decided fine if she is gonna see him she needs a shaporone or someone who can think clearly about the situation. But now thinking about it she should go alone and deal with what happens. she is almost 50 and can think for herself. But I'm more scared about this than she is. If I stay home and mom takes the car then dad will know where she went... And I don't want to be the one to tell him. I might go and I might not, either way I'm not staying home when she is gone.

So holidays in my home have not really been enjoyable but I make it through it. Mom stated yesterday that she was invited to south Carolina for Christmas. My heart just sank when she said that... Its the last Christmas for the house we live in and the last Christmas for Devin to be living with us-and she wants to miss it all for some guy. I asked her if she answered him and she didn't really say that she had or had not, but her face made it look like she was asking my  for my approvals. If she wants to go she can. I'm the one stuck with stupid memories that will never play out as they did in the past.

So this leaves me sad and feeling very left out and abandoned. I have a wonderful love in my life she is always there but sometimes its not enough. I need someone to talk to who can't tell anyone what i said and at this point i don't even care if they like me... They can pretend.

So I don't remember if I rote about the lNA class I started... I'm almost done. Its so much fun and more rewarding than babies. Also I got my mid term evaluation back.. All but one check was in the excellent

Friday, September 2, 2011

divorce progression

Dad has started fixing things around the house he used to refuse to fix... He is selling his things like the motorcycle, snowblowers, lawnmowers, the winter generator, dome of his tools... And so much more... He keeps
telling the neighbors that his wife wants a divorce that it sucks but they are doing it this time... He has said things like.. Go to the bank and change your bank account so the mortgage is t taken out of your monthly check anymore.. He has said if he finds a place first he is out of the house and is taking no one with him... He has said that he will look at apartments with us to make sure they are good enough... everything all messed up right now I i don't know what I should be doing... Do I plan and hope it goes as I planned and possibly feel all stressed because its not... Do I do nothing and freak at tye last minuet abuse I have no place to go and no car to get there with... Dad also said he isn't going to let us take over payments of the car he is sensing back to the dealer and will buy us a crappy car. what fun... Wish my life had a toad map so I could tell what land mark I'm gonna have to deal with next... Mom is starting fights in the house every second she can... not with me just everyone else... Its getting little hard to handle... But I'm hoping after moving out shewill calm down a mom I remember from childhood... But I might be dreaming
Hi....
So I really haven't been blogging much in the past few weeks... Or at all I should say... I have lost most motivation to do anything... Not in the I'm depressed kind of way... The I need to keep my mind off the things that are happening right now so I will just Facebook my life away... I know its unhealthy but so isn't crying yourself to sleep... If I let my mind wander to the dark corners of my current existence I would fall apart. I still have been attending alanon and want its magical powers of fixing things to work for me so bad I decided to dive into the forth step... not sure if I'm at that step or not but at this point I want to be. I ask god for his will instead of demanding him to listen to me... I now just tell him to hurry up I can't wait forever for his will to finally be clear for me... I believe he understands me and is ok with my inpatients... I know my life is unmanageable and I try hard daily not to control... And I believe in. A higherer so that's the first three steps... I may just be at step four. I have a sponcer who is to busy for me but I know she cairs... I have wonderful alanon friends who actually want to know how your doing and the answer “fine“ isn't an ok answer. They follow that question with many more... They care that my parents are really getting a divorce this time instead of threatening it.. They care that I'm upsett I have no idea how long I have till I'm forced to move... They were happy to hear I might move to Nashua if god wills it.. They care want to fix things and may stumble while doing it. They love  i walked in the room and after learning about my issues and problems they love me more and more I i f same about them... They are my family

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

i dont know what to do now..

Alanon teaches you to just let things happen and then decide what to do.. but is there ever a time when i should tell alanon to mind its own business and plan away like crazy...?

I came home from work on break to mom telling me that dad and her WILL be getting a divorce instead of her usually i wish for a divorce speech.. She then decides to tell me that I might have less than a year to find a new job and a new place to live.. I just brushed it off at first but then i thought about it.. I asked mom if she is serious about the divorce and she says yes but she always says that.. how is this time different.. But this time she talked about alimony and other things she never mentioned before... I just said ok good to know.. walked away and finished making my lunch. I went upstairs to go and play on Facebook like i do everyday after work.. and then the tears came. I thought I would be fine and not let it bother me because it isnt a for sure thing until the papers are signed which nether parent has on their body. So its no big deal right.. well i guess it is.. they fight like crazy and say mean things... so splitting up should be an easy thing to handle emotionally right... ? I dont know what i should be feeling right now.. if i should be ok with it or not.. But at this very moment its like this little black hole i have had my whole life is slowly being stretched open again.. and every time this dumb hole gets bigger i do and say and feel dumb things.. and just end up the only one getting hurt.. so please pas the supper glue so i can stop it from stretching.. i wanna burst into tears and scream but this isnt my part to mettle in.. my parents deserve happiness and if that means splitting up then that is what will happen.. :(

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

why?

I just want to start off by saying this is my facebook status at the moment:

Dear entertainment next door, (my sisters room)
            Please turn down the TV ( Your voices) I would like to finished what I as doing in peace (sleeping so I can go to work tomorrow) that is all.
                                   Love (gerrrrr) your neighbor. (better hope you don't wake dad,)


It is currently 123 Am. Its my favorite time ever  (clock shows 0123) but that doesn't mean I want to very drunk people to wake me up. I was sleeping all comfy in my covers with the ac on and dreaming nicely, when all of a sudden I felt I had left the TV on. So I wake up and open my eyes to see my room is dark with no TV going (scary..) I decided to stubble in the dark to the door. (biggg mistake) I see my sisters boyfriend sitting at the top of the stairs begging my sister to let him back into the room. She told him he wasn't coming back in until the puke was picked up. (so grouse she had puked on the floor by the door. She didn't even try to get it into a bowl or something.) She is so drunk that she cant even stand up with out stubbing around. When she drinks she gets giggly and very violent. She makes bad decisions daily while she is sober, she makes even dumber ones while drunk. She is so violent that while I was watching her she tried to push her boyfriend down the stairs, (but he was holding the wall so it didn't work) She then decided to grab his waist and throw him at the door of her room. which caused it to burst open spilling CD's all over the floor. (huge mess because they all landed in the puke which looks like she spit up water. ) She then tried to blame her boyfriend for the mess like she had nothing to do with it. I told her she needs to stop because i know even drunk people can semi not be dumb. Yeah things are funny but she really doesn't need to act so while. ( i could be wrong. She may be suffering from alcoholism just as my father is, and is unable to do anything normal while she is under its influence.)

I went downstairs to go pee and they followed me there. My sister tried to go outside. I locked the door but she got it open again. (didn't really care. She has been brought home so many times by the copes she knows them all by name and they know her address by heart. Including cops from other towns.) She recently was brought home for drinking on Hampton Beach (a dry beach) for drinking. She has to go to court and pay a $400 fine. And still hasn't learned. I don't think she ever will :( and she has a three year old. I asked her why she doesn't just go to bed and stop acting dumb and she said well dad does it why cant I. (my heart sank. She is saying what she is doing is fine because her own father does it. Well he likes to say mean comments to you as you walk by. Oh wait she does it too. She says she wants nothing to do with my father but yet, she is the closet thing to the original, just female and younger.

This is really hard to watch. They are funny to watch and very entertaining, however alcoholism has grabbed hold of them so strongly, and they don't even see it. It makes me wanna cry but whats the point, that would just be waisted tears. Tears solves nothing, I just need to sit back and wait for something to happen that was planned out for me without my doing. God please help them, they are hurting and could really use you right now.

So on top of a day where I swore if my luck didn't turn around I was gonna crash the car into a wall( so not joking) , i go to the gym (sort of like a walk i was asked to take many many times to feel better... something about endorphins) felt rather pleased with how I was feeling I went home and made dinner. Which turned out awesome. Soup with green beans, corn, carrots, onion (which Is flavoring not meant to eat), beef, spices, and potatoes. Yummm it turned out sooo good. I thought i was gonna hate it but I loved it. When the soup was finished cooking in the cork pot I called Lindsay had a short convo. and we both went to bed. And now I'm here tell you about my adventures of the drunken people. I really wish that i could escape this disease but as i see its everywhere i go. (not sure if I'm spotting it in places it isn't like friends to drink all the time but don't need to drink to function, or sister who drinks and gets dumb because she is dumb, or girlfriend who drinks and was hiding how much she was drinking.) I don't know.. well night everyone.. or good morning depending on if I can go back to sleep.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Gods little inside joke. :)


So my question is... if someone where to have pain on both sides during this middle cycle (which I do) does this mean your body drops two eggs or just one? I know some people drop to eggs and that is how feternal twins are created. I never intend to have children in my own body. I wish to implant my egg/eggs into someone else and have them do all the work :) biggg wimp.. lol. But since my other person has Lupus and cystic ovaries, I may end up being the body for the children. If I drop two eggs...... my first child could be my first children... God this isn't funny no more dropping two eggs you hear me.. Oh and dropping two eggs at once causing your body to waist more eggs, which in time shortens your time to bear children. A girl is born with all the eggs she will ever use.. dropping two eggs makes them run out faster, when a male makes more of theirs everyday..

If I choose to have children i need to do it sooner than later because i wont have eggs left... but then again.. i don't really want children. Though my better half does.. What a predicament.. lol...

Learned something new today and thought i would share it.. I had also never herd of this mid cycle pain thing.. Well enjoy my tid-bit of information.. I sure did.. :)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

July 2-10 (fireworks and more)

So. It has come to another holiday in my journey though life. Its INDEPENDENCE DAY. I have never felt so much pride for America in my life until this forth of July. I am unsure why but I just felt really patriotic.

So this entry is about what I did during the days of the 2-10th of July.
 
My week started by painting my nails to look like flags.
( I don't have a good picture of my nails but you can see that my thumb nail matches the flag, except the stars on my nail are the thirteen starts in a circle. (its like six in a circle cant fit thirteen dots) I chose this flag because its the first flag ever made.)

Lindsay did my nails the first time. When they chipped I tried to repeat them. I was not as successful as Lindsay was. 

Well Lindsay and I planned to go see as many firework shows in as many towns as we could think of during the week of the forth. We had many planned but many shows were postponed until the rain showers were gone. Even with the cancellations I still saw more shows in one year than I had ever seen in my life during the forth.


                                          (This is the best firework from the Methuen MA, show.)

The first show we went to was the Methuen firework show. Lindsay lives there so we decided to go see hers. they were done on the second of July. The fireworks were so close they were awesome. However, the burning paper from the fireworks fell over the crowed of people and actually hurt some people. As long as you payed attention you were fine. I saw burning the paper falling so I moved out of the way and it burned the blanket where I had just been laying. I have a small burn mark on my work sweatshirt that wont come out. It makes me sad that the town is dumb enough to set off fireworks directly over their towns people instead of directly over the fire department lighting them off.



 (This is not one of the best one but it is one of the biggest ones. Amesbury had many fireworks which were    large in size and filled the huge sky.)


The second place we went, I meat up with my uncle and took him to the fireworks. (we went on the forth and on the way to his house there was a huge down poor so I thought the fireworks were going to get rained out but I also knew that one year it was raining and the town still set off the show.) He usually looks out his window to watch them. I love the fireworks in Amesbury MA, the town I mostly grew up in. I bought food and brought it to his house. Lindsay, my uncle, and I all had a cook out on his mini grill. Then we left for the fireworks. He has a bad hip so I couldn't get him to walk all the way up the big hill that most of the towns people sit on to watch the sky show. We made it half way up. It was still a perfect spot to watch them. There was a thunder storm going on in the corner of the sky while we were sitting in an open field on a large hill. I felt so exposed but it was safe since our sky was clear.



                                          (This is the best firework from the Groton MA show)

The third place we went just happen to be 1.5 hours away from my house, but we went anyway in hopes to bump into some one I knew. (We went on the 8th I think ) I tried to meet up with a friend who sort of blew me off. I told her I was in her town and would really like to meet up with her but she never found me. She said she was looking but I told her I was near the basket ball court and she said she was looking at the library. Clearly she was never going to find me. But that is all sad and done. I know not to expect much from her i guess. Four years of college and working hard on both our homework meant nothing to her. I feel so used. Karma gets those who are mean. AAAAANNNYYYWAY. I had never seen the fireworks from this town and didn't know what to expect. They were small but were really pretty. This was the only town to set of a heart. I am so going back next year.

I have a friend who writes an awesome blog about her adventures of her life, and I just couldn't imagine how she encountered so many animals. Well let me tell you my short time in Groton I finally understood some of what she posts in her blogs. Since it had rained there were frogs everywhere. I kept making Lindsay stop on the road so I could chase the frogs across the street and out of danger of being squished. Then we saw a deer standing on the side of the road. It was so freaking scary. Lindsay said out loud "I feel the need to lock the door." I laughed and said deers don't have thumbs they cant get the door open. But if they want in they will just take out a window. We ended up scaring away the deer by moving the car closer to it so I could try and take a picture. I missed and she ran off. Hope she is safe and isn't trying to cross the road any time soon. Then there was this really small mouse the size of a baby hamster that was trying to cross the street. Lindsay stopped on the road and we watch the little thing running back and forth between the middle of our side of the street and the grass line. Eventually the mouse ran into the grass and that was the end of the mouse crossing. Then when we thought it was safe to drive on more and a cream colored cat came out of no where and ran in front of the car luckily Lindsay braked and the stupid think made it to the other side of the road.

(My town, as in Raymond NH, didn't do smiles or hearts, however their fireworks were large and full of color, and my favorite firework was short off. The one that looks like a weeping willow, but no picture)

The fourth place we went for a firework show happens to be my town. I had a wonderful lady from Ala-non come to my fireworks all the way from Nashua. She said she loved taking pictures of the fireworks and when I mentioned that my fireworks are a week late (July 9th) and she drove up. We went to the down fare the three of us. We had so much fun blowing bubbles and eating strange foods and you wouldn't have even known that she was older than our ages put together. :) but I love having her around just the same. She understands so much more about life and the things I say, than most people do. She doesn't do sponsoring which makes me sad but I understand her reasoning. ANYWAY the fireworks in my town were larger than I'm used to because I went to a different spot to see them than i usually do. I would usually see them in my yard but instead we adventured out and watched them at the middle school. So much bigger and way louder and so much more beautiful.

Over all, I had the best forth of July week that I have ever had. And I cant wait to do it again.

Friday, June 24, 2011

back to fathers day.

This is what bothers me the most... when dad is nice one day and horrible all the next days following. I would just rather go without that one good day so I can always imagine him has a horrible person.. its much easier that way. I have been fighting with him non stop since fathers day. He has been calling me horrible names and telling me I'm fat and the whole deal.. but whatever. its not like i haven't herd that before.. it just hurts a lot more when your own parent says it to you.. So i have been feeling kind of down and feeling like i don't have much options.. i want the fighting to stop.. in Alanon they say don't go to every fight your invited too. I cant seem not too. I am going to work hard at not saying anything back when he starts in with me. And see if i notice a change.. wish me luck..

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day

So its Fathers Day. This is an uncomfortable holiday for me. Well Dad wanted to have a cook out for his special day. He wont let us touch the grill so he cooked his meal himself. It was Delicious.. I love BBQ chicken and his home made pasta salad. Its the best... He is a wonderful cook when he want too. So i thought when he cooked dinner we would all eat together like we do on holidays.. Nope.. mom was passed out on the couch with the nephew..
                                            (they look soo cute sleeping i just had to take a pic)

My sister was eating with her boyfriend. I stood in the kitchen to eat with Dad. We talked about how good the food was. There was no fighting between me and him but there were some words between him and my sister. She came in and refused to eat the chicken with her fingers.. so she used a knife and a fork to try and get the meet of the bones.. she basically waisted a piece of chicken so dad called her a dummy. She was acting kind of stupid. She could have asked and i would have ripped the meat off the bones for her. Once dad had gone to bed she came out for her second piece where she did ask me to get the meet for her.. Other than that little spat.. i guess i can say fathers day was an OK holiday this year. (even though dad was soo drunk her was wobbling while he stood in place.. i thought for sure he was going to fall into the trash not just eat over it..) guess it wouldn't be a holiday without the fighting and the drinking.. so HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO EVERYONE

Monday, June 6, 2011

NOTE TO SELF... a hard lesson to learn.

Note to self... In the futrue when you need to throw up... don't do it over your pillow, blankets, or even the bed in general. Oh and another lesson.. self.. don't use a small bucket.. you cant always guess how much your gonna fill it/spill it. ALL OVER YOURSELF.   While i wait for my mother to wash my stuff this is what my bed looks like.. i have one pillow out of two left, and teddy didn't get any on himself.. and i have my water and a bigger bucket is waiting if i should need it. This has been a wonderful life lesson.. :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Girl Vs. Room (Part two)

So I failed at cleaning my room last week. So I attempted to do it again today. I am unsure as to why I felt the need to clean. I think it has to do with a conversation I had with a friend of alanon. She was talking about how she feels the need to keep busy and make lists. She blames it all on her adult child of an alcoholic-ness. I said I don't make lists, I don't try to get things done, and I am unable to get anything done that is an everyday project. She says well your an adult child too, you just deal with it differently. I was a little upset that my laziness has anything to with others drinking. I want to be normal. I really do, but I really don't know what that is. My normal may or may not be the real normal, if such thing exists.

So this is what my room looked like before I started:
Lots of trash and stuff that so shouldn't be on the floor of a newly Rivier College Alumni. Oh but there is more:

This is my TV area. And I guess my forgotten can line up. Most of them are still full but I couldn't remember what one I was drinking so I opened another one, and so on..
I know I was still using floppy disks in high school.. Which was six years ago. (graduated high school in 2006) I still felt really old when I found it in the clutter of crap in my room. And a tape. This tape happened to be me trying to sing a song for my mom. I was about 9 when i made this tape. When it wasn't broken you could hear me start the song, and my sister would come in and rune the song. I would yell at her make her leave, start over, and she would come back and rune it again. I think this repeated a few times before I finally got to the end of whatever song I was singing. However, the last time I used a tape when i was in a toddler classroom during my second year at Hesser. I felt dumb because I couldn't tell how to use the tape player, even after the teacher showed me how too :) Oh well.

After several hours of fighting with the mess of my room. THERE WAS SOME FLOOR. but it didnt last. To clean one place I had to cover up that small amount of floor. :(


This is where I found floor that stayed. I moved the bed to clean under it, then moved it back and vuala, floor. And I got rid of all the cans that were open. The two in the photo are not opened.



Moved all the crap from under the bed to the middle of the first cleaned area. :( but I feel I did a good job removing the trash... or at least two bag fulls and then a half a bag.. (there is still way more trash left.)



 The worst thing happens when i clean... the bed hides from me. lol. As I clean I put stuff in piles on the bed..

I put all the stuff on the bed in the spots in the room they belonged. :) and fixed the sheet and the blankets that are on the bed.. so now the bed is much more comfier. :) And you can see my computer on a box, my cords that were covered on the floor, ac is in the window, and my gay build a bear (rainbow with sparkling feet)


So, I removed 2.5 bags of trash, all the dishes, all the cloths, a lot of the dirt on the ground, lost and found my bed three times, got rid of cans and bottles, and yet.. I failed to clean my whole room. Its 330 am right now.. I feel very accomplished but I know the job isn't done. I have tomorrow to do it as well. If I feel like it.

(and I know its strange to be blogging about cleaning my room, or even posting pictures of how freaking sloppy I am, but its what I am dealing with right now. I am currently not feeling so good about things in my life right now. I Feel stressed because of my room and my life so i thought i would try and fix the only thing i knew i can. (so alanon of me :})  Once my room is cleaned i will feel a bit better about things. I am a slob. I understand that and I am working on it. I see it as a character defect and i need to work on it when the time comes. Which is soon I hope. )

I hope to post in the next few days that i have finished this project and that i am free in my clean room... so until blog Girl vs room 3 comes around.. id like to go to bed.. So good night world..

Monday, May 30, 2011

Girl vs Room.

I am attempting to clean my room of doom.

 (3-7pm)
This is my bed. covered in all the stuff that was on my vanity thing, that I use as a table/shelf. Lots of things on this bed. A graduation gift, a book from a friend, a bunch of art stuff, vitamin water, and not so much bed. 

This is a picture of directly next to the bed.  I started grouping the things in my room as trash and things I want. The things in these bags were on the bed but I have moved them to things I want. Hoping that once I have everything split I can organize and throw out things I don't need.
This is a picture of the rest of my room. If that's what you can call it. I have yet to move in from my time at Hesser, now that Rivier is over I either need to organize things to move in all the way or move out. Working on in.. lol out can come later.

It looks as thought its a huge pile of mess but it is a small layer of unwanted stuff in my room.. And if you look in the corner there be a bunny. She is cleaned and fed often but it sure doesn't look like it. Hadn't realized how much my depressive-ness in the past few years had led to me not caring how/or what i live in/like. I feel better than I did the whole time I attended college. I used to be on medication for it. But one day decided they don't fix the problem just make it hide until its ready to come back and destroy your life at a later time. So i stopped the medication to deal with it now that i dint have the stresses of school to worry about. I had been doing wonderfully until the past few days (will be continued later in another post about Devin moving out and probably never coming back)

I hope to later on post pictures of what the room looks like in a few hours.. 

I have so far gotten a huge bruise on my leg from miss calculating a step and scraping my leg on something pointy.. i have a bruised hand(causing it hard to type.) because of a miss hap with a window and an ac. I was trying to put the AC in my room ALL BY MYSELF, proving to my mom I don't need a man to help me do things. (my sisters boyfriend helped her put hers in her own window.) I said I don't need a man for anything except fixing my car. ;) Well I guess this year I should have waited for Lindsay to help me do the AC. I needed three hands and attempted to put the AC in the window without a third hand. I was using my head to hold the window open while the hands were moving a piece of wood and the AC in place. I fumbled and moved the wood the wrong way and couldn't see how to fix it so i moved my head to look. You guessed it. the window slammed shut. Well my hand was there and i had no idea. SMASH. I wanted to cry at first. My hand tingled from hitting the nerves, then it started to burn. Thought i might have broken something I didn't move. I just stood there staring at my hand wedged between the AC and the window. Well I eventually moved my and out of the window leaving the AC in the perfect position for the rest of the summer. I went down stairs and put ice on my hand and just watched TV to distract me from the pain. Its fine now.. Hurts a little when I type but nothings is broken. Just a straight bruise that runs along the top of my hand. I have a long way before my room is done I'm sure to hurt myself more. I am so klutzy. :) but its what I am so I don't mind to much..

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

MAKE IT STOP... please

A lot has happened since the last post...

-I built a garden with dad ( when it stops raining I will put the seeds in the ground.. )
-Moms birthday/mothers day present came in the mail ( a mothers necklace with five stones.. one or everyone in the family.. )
- I had the Undergraduate Hooding
- I graduated


..... and yet nothing has changed.. Mom is downstairs right now yelling at my sister for using to much milk. (which to me is no big deal since she is planning on reusing the milk to have a second bowl of cereal)... and also yelling about the fact the computer isnt working. She says its because of a document sarah downloaded for her job. (sarah asked if she could download it and mom said yes. she didnt know it was going to screw the computer up. not her fault she should not be yelled at for it. mom needs to grow the f up.) I want so badly to go downstairs and tell mom how dumb she is acting.. oh and yesterday she yelled at dad for unplugging the Internet. He has done it a few times but didnt do it yesterday because when it stopped working he was asleep. On our computers there are two computers that show up to show you are connected. We had that picture but the globe was missing that shows up in front of the two computers. This globe shows you that you have Internet. We were connected but didnt have a connection. Yeah its complicated. My point is that if he had unplugged said cord that picture would have been of two computers with a red X across it. That was NOT the picture. There for, mom was a being a raging idiot yesterday and its leading into today too.. I cant deal with this much longer. I want to move out and leave her hear.. but i dont have a car.. so unless the place i move to is in town.. i am out of luck..


... Thats my rant for today.. thanks for listening.. And please make the yelling stop. :(

Sunday, May 8, 2011

:(

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR A COMPLETE LOSER?

I HAVE FOUR FREAKING TICKETS TO A HOODING FOR SCHOOL GRADUATION. Something important to me. AND I DON'T HAVE FOUR PEOPLE I COULD INVITE TO IT.

I wish I was one of those people who didn't have enough tickets.. no instead I am a loser who has an extra ticket. And the person I would invite to the event doesn't even know I would love them to go. I have no way of contacting them. They can contact me but probably wont. :( sometimes i wish things were different and that i had just left school without graduating.. I wouldn't have this problem. Four tickets and I cant even think of four people to go.. who lame.. oh and I asked dad to go to graduation.. and he said he would rather get things done around the house. He did say thanks for asking before he said he is busy.. :( My own father wont go.. :( Five years of school is coming to an abrupt end Saturday and I am feeling worthless and not successful. I feel so lonely and forgotten. This sucks.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

internal fight due to external events :(

I have no picture for this blog section.

I am not even sure what to name it.

I have not been doing so well since school is no longer my life. I feel scared of what is gonna happen next and confused as to what I should be doing now to take life to the fullest.

I want to cry all the time, I try not to cry because then I feel I have lost some inner battle, that I am not even fighting. I feel that my body is upset, but i don't want to be. I want to be OK. I feel so stressed and just uncomfortable in my skin.

I have not had the chance nor will I have the chance to say bye to my college friends. :( I got a job, which I was excited for, but now I cant see anyone while the days of college dwindle down to nothingness. I used to talk to the night nurse at school because she understood me some. I mean she would ask questions and I would answer them and she would tell me what she thought. It was a nice relationship we HAD. I didn't get to say bye to her either. I had a person at school I told everything too, hopes, dreams, fears, everything except how I was feeling coming to the end of school. I avoided the subject. I don't know why. Maybe not to cry in front of them. Which I did anyway the last day I will ever see them. I had teared up in their office before but never had I done it that bad. I hid behind a pillow so I could wipe away the tears. When I just wanted so bad to burst at the seams and bawl. As I walked out the door of her office she joked and said OK you can cry now. I giggle turned my head and did just that all the way to the car. I passed someone walking who looked at me. that's when i took to running to the car so I couldn't be seen. I cried for the entire ride home after that visit.  And I live an hour away from where they are. I drove slow to extend the only time I feel safe to cry. No one can see me and no one is going to bother me, except maybe a police officer. I feel like my best friend has died. She understood. And didn't judge like so many of my friends do. She WAS a good friend who I have to learn to not have anymore. :(

I want to go back to the first day college started and do it all over again. But since i cant I'm gonna have to learn to except the things i didn't do. I am just not ready yet.

and to top it all of.. the last time someone/or me was/were over with college there was a huge messy breakup. where my heart was ripped out of my chest still beating, smashed onto the group and stopped on until my heart stopped moving. Then it was put back in my chest for me to try and heal it. Its never been the same but at least it stops aching for THAT person. It has moved on to an even better, more wonderful person who i just ador. I cant live without them (I'm sure i could but i don't want to ever imagine doing so) they are who i want to be with in life. (for now because you never know what will/might happen.) The problem is that this person I'm so happy to be with let slip that they only started dating me (at first) to help me get over the break up i just had. I was devastated to hear this. She then continued with "I'm glad I started dating you because your my world" which means she is here to say... or does it.. I fear what might happen because it has happened before. yes with other people, yes at a different point in my life, and yes I'm negative and always see the bad side of things, but it has happened before, it can happen again. Cant it? Will it? I will be so upset. The last breakup tor me apart. it took parts of me away and i will never... i repeat NEVER see them again. and if this one ends just as badly, where my best friend isn't my friend again, and i have NO one to talk to... i don't know what will happen.

Should i mention that I'm graduating in 11 days. And the person I'm dating is not. She was supposed to but fate decide otherwise.. she will be repeating this year and Will graduate next year. Ill be there for her, like she is going to be there for me. (i hope)

That's really all i can cling to is HOPE that god has a better path for me in life than sitting at home after work ranting on a blog about how much i hate my life. But through out this all.. i need to lift this up and hope my higher-power can save me from myself... {bad negative thoughts about every situation.. it would be nice to see the good in this.. i mean i am done school. I am getting my BA.. whats so wrong with that.. why do i have to be soooo emotional about everything. I feel broken :( }


LAS: I hope this blog doesn't cause issues between us. You are my world and a piece of me will always love you no matter what happens. <3 u luv bug.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Cans and Bottles :(

This is a picture of what our recycling bin looks like after one day of Sarah partying. :( That's a lot of drinks for a small amount of people to consume during one night.

My dad came into my room today to talk to me. He invaded my space, he usually just calls my name and I get up and go to him. I don't want him in my room. He was so drunk that he almost fell in my door way and i couldn't do anything but pretend i was listening to what he was saying. He was telling me that he made the cake for moms birthday. It makes me sad that he drinks so much, but today was a happy drunk so ill take it any day over the angry sober/drunken dad.

Seeing how this disease has torn this family part hurts so much more than I can explain to the common person. The only people who truly understand are my alanon people. But I don't get to see them much. Just once a week.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

School From Beginning To End

          I originally started kindergarten in a town I don't know the name of nor do the I remember the school. I was four and it was full day kindergarten. Then we moved to Amesbury and they refused to take me into the their kindergarten class because I was to young. I had to wait three years before I could start again. I was almost done my first year of kindergarten when they wouldn't take me. I started kindergarten in Amesbury MA. in a small building called the Horas Mann School at the age of six, when most kids were only five. That building no longer exists as an elementary school. It now is a building that hold the supplies for the schools of the town, and is a Special Education Facility. This building had the only preschool classroom in the town, along with kindergarten and first grade classrooms. It was two floors but as you can see in the photo below it was small. I had Patty Bradly for Kindergarten. She was a sweet little lady. She wasn't old and was so nice to her students. She had a room that connected to a first grade class. The funny thing is I had the connecting teacher the following year. Marsha Stelmack. How have I remember the names of my teachers so well, my teachers helped guide me into who I am today. I wanted to be a teacher ever since my first day of kindergarten. I would pretend to be a teacher and teach my sister letters and numbers since she was smaller than I was. I don't know if that helped her in school when she started, but it was a fun past time for me.
(so the picture doesn't actually say welcome to the school. I added that when I couldn't get the bubble to go away.             Once a student made it to first grade you were given an IQ test. The results of this test might have been the reason I became coded in the school system, but I am unsure to when that started. There were two elementary schools a student could have been sent to once first grade was over. The Amesbury Elementary School or the Charles C. Cashman Elementary School. I was sent to the Cashman because the AE school had kindergarten and first grade classes in the building while the Cashman did not. Most students who went to the Horas Mann school were sent to the Cashman to continue Elementary school. I believe the reason for this split elementary school was due to the town boundaries. Whatever school you lived closer to you got to go to that school unless otherwise specified. For example, there was a kid in my first and second grade class who was allergic to latex. He was sent to AE because he was allergic to the new gym floor at the Cashman.

(This is the Cashman School. It is different from when I was student. The school raised money and rebuilt the section of the school I had classes in. )

         I attended the Cashman for second-fourth grade. I was the one of the lucky fifth graders they used as a guinea pig to see if the middle school could work with fifth graders in it. I guess it worked out fine because the fifth grade classrooms are still in the middle school. I had Ms. LaPlant for second and third grade. Mom thought it would be easier for me if I had the same teacher. It was a nightmare. I was so upset when I found out I was having the same lady again. She was not so nice to me. I really didn't get along with her. But then I moved onto a really nice lady named Miss Coffen. Mean forth graders told me she was the teacher who lived in a coffin. I wanted to cry. So I told my teacher what they said and she laughed at me. She brought me over to my new teacher the last day of third grade so i could meat her and not worry about who my teacher was during the summer. My teacher was so nice and i was excited to have her. Forth grade was the best year i feel. We learned to write and read better. Also that was the year the school system found out I couldn't read. I ended up with a morning reading group and an afternoon reading group. I loved the morning one and hated the one in the afternoon. It was so repetitive i couldn't take it. I started acting out to do something new in there. I wouldn't do what we were supposed to because i was board. I told mom and i was removed from there. So i ended up only having a morning reading group. I believe it helped because i can read and write. Though i cant spell well (bet you couldn't tell, jk)

         I had my fifth grade classroom in the Middle School. This was the first time I had a male teacher. I was so scared. But he was so nice I got over it. This is the part of my childhood teachers I start to forget who they were. I can picture their faces but not their names.

(This is the Amesbury

      I had four classes but only three teachers in Fifth grade and I will do my best to remember who they are. I had a male science teacher named  _________  he was also my history teacher. (ok i know that looks back.. lol) I had a male math teacher named Mr. Adams, I had a female English teacher(s) (the S is because we had so many changed English teachers i don't remember who they are/were)

    In sixth grade I had four teachers for my four classes. (I'm not listing art teachers or music or anything like that because I have no clue) My Math teacher was a female named ______ (ok this one is sad i don't remember  because she was my neighbor. lol) My English teacher was a Female named ______ (i didn't like her so i guess its fine i don't know her name) My history teacher was so nice but i don't remember her name, and my science teacher was Mr. Bent. He was the best. He was so funny and cared about his students.

          Soooo. I am getting really bad at remembering their names. I do remember each teachers face and different things that different teachers did for me. I guess that is the important part. Seventh grade was a good year. I had a female math teacher until she got fired for having sex with a student so she was replaced with a male teacher i didnt like. I had a male science teacher and i have no idea about the other teachers.

 (This is the Iberg Homes Grove Middle School, named after the lady who funded it.)

         Eighth grade was different. I had started at one school and ended at another this year. I was so sad to move and had no friends after i did. I had a female English teacher named Ms. Bell, male history teacher named Mr. Cameron, Female math teacher named Ms. Brown, and a female science teacher named Ms. Hutton. (all these teachers were at the new school.)



(This is the Raymond High School.)

          I had to many teachers to tell. I cant remember the order but I attened this school for four years. I do remember some names such as Ms. Nardone(history and law), Mr. Marshal (biology), Mis. Zano (math), Mis. Osana(history and psychology), Mr. stone (economics) , Mir LaCasse ( music) , (if i start to remember ill add more later.. )
(this picture makes the college look huge but it isn't. This is Hesser college. this is a five story building. The college only took up one whole side of the three sided building (a short end) and the whole bottom floor the another (long end))

      I went to Hesser College in Manchester NH for Early Childhood education. I had some wonderful teachers and I had one teacher who made it ALMOST impossible to pass. I did and she is no longer working there.
(This is Rivier College. All the space between the pink line is the campus)
    
       This school is huge, but manageable. Once I got used to all the buildings I stopped getting lost. :) This picture is hard to see but the campus is made up of over 27 buildings. That number doesn't count the Sister residences. I am graduating (or graduated depending on the time you read this) soon. Two weeks or so actually. I am happy about my stay at Rivier. I met some wonderful people there who helped me more than I could have ever asked for. I would recommend this college to anyone who were looking into campuses in the Nashua area.

            I'm not ready to give up 18 years of schooling. One day, one walk across a stage, one hand shake, and its over. All I have been doing for my last 18 years of life has been about schooling and its over. I don't like this, but I cant continue schooling anymore. Its just not a good time. Maybe soon I can start onto my path as a social worker like i have been thinking about but now isn't a good time. I just got a job that takes up all my free time. I love the job. (its only been two days on the day I write this)

           Rivier gave me freedom to be me and I didn't have to worry about what people thought as much as i do now. i cant be me and express who i love and who I don't so openly anymore because it could upset someone. I don't want to upset people but i don't want to hid myself either. Its time for me to join the real world and work my 9-6 job and make a living for myself, start a family and get on with life. I sure hope alanon can help me with any problem i have now because i lost the one person i could talk to about everything. Oh well Ill keep the Blog posted.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I went to a funeral today. It wasn't for anyone in my family. It was for a friends dad. The man who died had a drinking problem, which led to his death. This makes me want so badly to go and beg my own father to stop drinking. This man was sick for only a few days and then he passed on. I hope when my dad get sick (since he wont stop drinking) that it comes and goes just as fast. I want him to stop drinking but it wont stop his other behaviors. I want him to stop being so verbally violent. And for some reason i don't believe that him stopping drinking will help him stop being so mean. But I can only hope.

A New Beginning.


I would just like to start by saying sorry for not writing. I have been dealing with life as it comes. I am back that's all that matters. I have come to the part in my life where I part ways with textbooks and tests. I have one final left of my college journey. Its on Monday 5/2/11 and I'm done. :( I have learned so much with my stay at Rivier College. I have learned more about myself, and come to understand things about myself I never knew before. I wont go into that right now but believe i have a greater sense of "self"

I got a job today. I had an interview and a working interview a few days ago.. :) and got the call today. I have the job. I will be working just down the road from my house. Its so close i can walk there. I love that. I am now the lead teacher in the infant room.

I don't know much more to say right now. I just went though a really hard goodbye moment with someone dear to me. I will now call us friends now that the professional side of our relationship is over. No I probably wont ever hear from this person again (which saddens me) but I thank god for putting them into my life. She was given to me when I had given up on myself. She just listened and cared when i felt even my friends didn't. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be. Thank you A.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Screaming + Crying = My Life In A Nutshell

This one picture describes exactly how my house has been since Christmas. Yelling and crying. I cant take much more of both. I get yelled at for things I don't do. And I would feel to bad to do the things I'm getting yelled at for. My sister steels thing from me, and when something goes missing from her room she says i took it. I have to share the one computer in the house the doesn't have problems with the rest of the family, when I have given up two laptops so my family could still use the Internet. I have online classes. I am not giving up the computer. Its in my room and things go missing when people use it. I louse pills, money, and small peaces of my self the more I have to yell at people to leave my thing alone. My mom sleep on my floor because she doesn't have a bed. When  I am not home she is sleeping in my bed with her nasty dogs who need to be washed. My pillow smells like dog crap and I cant stand that she would let them on my bed. All the crap that is happening in this family makes me often thing about just ending it all. Just finding the perfect way of doing it is mostly what stops me. And that fact I'm in the best relationship I have ever been in. I lover her to death and couldn't do that to her.

The Ala-non stuff has not gone well. I have gotten a sponsor who looks at me like I'm a sad puppy. But she is very helpful. She cares and that's more than I have ever gotten from a stranger. We are working on step one. Thought that step would be easy.. but its not. I have to learn not to scream at people when something I don't like happens. I have so much trouble with that. I cant seem to just brush it off and let it go. Even when I'm done yelling I am still fuming. I have horrible urges to do bad thing to myself. I have pierced myself seven times due to anger and needing to release it. I feel almost pushed into do it again. I have my nose pierced (took two tries), my ears have three holes (took five tries). I have cut myself. Once I get one cut done my body goes numb and I cant Feel it anymore. Or not the way a normal person should feel pain. I felt nothing.    I did it two days ago.. Over thirty times. in the same small area. they are really small and don't look like much but it should have hurt more than it did but it didn't. I was on depression pills but couldn't afford to get the refilled. When my sister stole the money from Ala-non (which she clams she didn't) All my extra money went to paying back that money. I have not spent any money on myself in months. Poor Lindsay (my girlfriend) spends so much money on me. If she sees something she thinks I would like she gets it for me. She is the small thread that keeps me alive each day.

I'm hoping when I get to the store I can fill the prescription and I'll feel less likely to murder my family.           (I know I have violent thoughts but I don't see myself violent towards other people, just myself) I saw a counselor at school. She is also my savor. She listens and doesn't judge me at all.(or at least i cant see that she does) After twenty min. of talking to her yesterday she asked if I was on any medication. I said yes, depression. She asked if i was taking them. I said I would like to but I don't have the money. She goes, I can tell your depressed you need those pills back. I told her I know I do. The pills make me feel less violent. She suggested to walk.. When I feel upset to just walk. and walk like crazy. I want to I really do. I just am so stubborn that I cant even get myself too. I wanted to today. But never left the computer chair. I need help from god to get me motivated. God please help, your the only one who can..