Screaming + Crying = My Life In A Nutshell

This one picture describes exactly how my house has been since Christmas. Yelling and crying. I cant take much more of both. I get yelled at for things I don't do. And I would feel to bad to do the things I'm getting yelled at for. My sister steels thing from me, and when something goes missing from her room she says i took it. I have to share the one computer in the house the doesn't have problems with the rest of the family, when I have given up two laptops so my family could still use the Internet. I have online classes. I am not giving up the computer. Its in my room and things go missing when people use it. I louse pills, money, and small peaces of my self the more I have to yell at people to leave my thing alone. My mom sleep on my floor because she doesn't have a bed. When  I am not home she is sleeping in my bed with her nasty dogs who need to be washed. My pillow smells like dog crap and I cant stand that she would let them on my bed. All the crap that is happening in this family makes me often thing about just ending it all. Just finding the perfect way of doing it is mostly what stops me. And that fact I'm in the best relationship I have ever been in. I lover her to death and couldn't do that to her.

The Ala-non stuff has not gone well. I have gotten a sponsor who looks at me like I'm a sad puppy. But she is very helpful. She cares and that's more than I have ever gotten from a stranger. We are working on step one. Thought that step would be easy.. but its not. I have to learn not to scream at people when something I don't like happens. I have so much trouble with that. I cant seem to just brush it off and let it go. Even when I'm done yelling I am still fuming. I have horrible urges to do bad thing to myself. I have pierced myself seven times due to anger and needing to release it. I feel almost pushed into do it again. I have my nose pierced (took two tries), my ears have three holes (took five tries). I have cut myself. Once I get one cut done my body goes numb and I cant Feel it anymore. Or not the way a normal person should feel pain. I felt nothing.    I did it two days ago.. Over thirty times. in the same small area. they are really small and don't look like much but it should have hurt more than it did but it didn't. I was on depression pills but couldn't afford to get the refilled. When my sister stole the money from Ala-non (which she clams she didn't) All my extra money went to paying back that money. I have not spent any money on myself in months. Poor Lindsay (my girlfriend) spends so much money on me. If she sees something she thinks I would like she gets it for me. She is the small thread that keeps me alive each day.

I'm hoping when I get to the store I can fill the prescription and I'll feel less likely to murder my family.           (I know I have violent thoughts but I don't see myself violent towards other people, just myself) I saw a counselor at school. She is also my savor. She listens and doesn't judge me at all.(or at least i cant see that she does) After twenty min. of talking to her yesterday she asked if I was on any medication. I said yes, depression. She asked if i was taking them. I said I would like to but I don't have the money. She goes, I can tell your depressed you need those pills back. I told her I know I do. The pills make me feel less violent. She suggested to walk.. When I feel upset to just walk. and walk like crazy. I want to I really do. I just am so stubborn that I cant even get myself too. I wanted to today. But never left the computer chair. I need help from god to get me motivated. God please help, your the only one who can..