divorce proceedings 1

My home life has reached an all new high... Or low.. Depending on opinion.

My sister moves out tomorrow by request of my mother. Sarah has been mouthy alot more lately than before so my mom gave her till the end of January to find an apartment and move out.... Well tomorrow she takes her son and moves in to an apartment. I'm excited for her but I have heave sadness about the whole thing... I don't want her to leave even though she's mean. Its just how things are. Onces she's gone lifes different. I won't wake every morning to Devin playing to loudly with his toys. I'm gonna miss that kid. Now when something's gone missing I can't blame my sister for steeling it.. Ok in all honisty. I am gonna miss the two of them. Have only mom to talk to. And she is to caught up in her fake life on facebook. I miss the mom I had before she played that stupid game.

my parents fought today about house payments, car payment, apartments, and just alot of stuff. Dad wants to keep it fair but mom seems to want more than her share, which is going to make this a dirty divorce. I was hoping that they would sit down and split stuff fairly. But I guess I'm still thinking like a kid.

I constantly want to cry and some nights that's all I can do to get the anxiety monster to leave me alone and stop ripping the hole inside my heart larger with every anxiety visit. What town do I move to. What job will I have. Who do I know that will help me. How will I pay for loans and an apartment.. And food... And car payments and gas.. I just wanna scream thinking about it. I do lift this up to my hp

 bit if he doesn't hurry up I don't know what I'll do. Also I have three cats,two dogs, and a bunny, where will they live..  :'( I can't do this
I have a hard time telling anyone about how hard of a time I'm having, when I try to people just say life will be life... I don't know how to deal with this and I'm worried that if I don't start dealing its gonna seep out somehow..

2011 is almost over

so life is much tougher now than before but I am unsure as to what I talked about last time so im going through all my blogs while i write this to tie up loose ends. :)

1/12/11 - wow how sad. Life is still rough like that but its much easier to handle/deal with. Mom has a new bed that is set up downstairs. She doesn't use her floor bed much anymore. And mom doesnt let the dogs on my bed anymore. I dont get blamed for things as much anymore but if something goes missing I must have taken it. If things are going missing from my room I dont notice it. :)


About the sponcer thing.. I think I am in sure of someone else.. it was hard to reach out to someone the first time. I have a loving family now.. and I dont mean the one I was born with. If I could ever I would thank the stubborn lady who sent me there in the first place. THANK YOU, YOU GAVE ME HOPE. Anyway I am not on any step at the moment.. I made it to about three and gave up. I was just not in the right place to keep going. But today I did pick up literature and started reading. Sadly the books meant nothing to me at this time but I'm still trying.

Haven't caused any bodily harm to myself in a long time.. I cant even remember the last time.. I cant say I don't think about it from time to time but I haven't done it. Wonder if it counts. lol

Lindsay is still my best friend (girlfriend) and still spends all her money on me.. I have loans to pay off so I try not to spend a dime if I don't have too. I started returning cans to make extra money, made about $12 so far.

Not on those pills dont need them. I am able to manage (or dont feel depressed) without the pills. :)

4/27/11
Hahahaha  my current job. I still work at that child center. Its a wonderful place to work. Sometimes I feel like I'm clashing with the people who work there and other days I would do anything to keep my job. I love the children they make my job special. I have five children in my classroom, two who are ready to move up and will be missed

At the end of this post I talk about a woman I will forever call a friend. Well I really hoped we would keep in touch. We didnt. I can stalk her on her blog if I wanted to but I dont. I miss her everyday and dont know why. I have thought about finding new counselors but its not the same. That lady could make me laugh on days I couldnt think it was possible. She helped me though things even when I was unable to notice that what she was saying would help later on when I really needed them. Every Tuesday I hear about something she did or said from a friend who still sees them and it just hurts. Its been.. um.. seven months since I last saw her in a session. dude get over it. but I seem not to. Wonder why I hope for more. Lame

4/27/11
Dad still is drinking but not as verbally irritating.

4/30/11 nothing to add

5/1/11
Alanon people really do understand much more than other people, but I can still talk to friends. They try to understand but fall short. that's not their faults.

and the drinking has caused my family to split up.. well soon to split up. mom is getting the papers, Sarah and Devin have filed papers for an apartment. (I'm gonna miss that little brat), Mom and I have no place to go just yet. And that bothers me but I cant deal with that right now.

5/3/11
I still have those strong feelings of unsureness. I don't like it one bit but I just have to take one day as it comes and hope nothing to bad happens. 

AHAHAHA every other thursday I sneak into the building the school nurse works in, so I didnt have to give her up. I still get to see her and she helps me feel better about life.. sometimes I should say. Sometimes she says things that make my life sound worse than it is. Then I leave there wondering if I'm seeing it wright or did I explain it wrong. But I'm really thankful to have her still. Thought she said she wants to move to Florida.. My heart sank and I wanted to cry.

5/8/11

My alanon family came to my ceremony. I had more people there than I expected. I asked one person and four people showed up. Yay!! They showed up as a surprise. They all knew they were going but no one said a thing to me. :) Love them.

5/17/11
The yelling still happens about dumb things. But I feel less obligated to save sarah from my mom.

5/30/11 & 6/5/11
My room is a mess again.. The room won..

6/6/11  lol

6/19/11 nothing to add

6/24/11 nothing to add

7/13/11 shiny... cant wait till the next time I get to see fireworks.

7/16/11

The fight about having children is never ending. She wants some I want none.. Somewhere down the line one of us will have to give in. please not me please not me please not me.

7/20/11
They still drink and do dumb things wile drunk. Thanksgiving this year the boyfriend decided to smash a window with his head. He was removed from the house by the cops. yesterday was the court date to make it so the boy and my sister were able to see each other. The police thought they were helping by putting a restraining order on the boy. Sarah had it lifted and now they are filing papers to get an apartment. Ill be lousing my nephew soon but I don't know when. I always knew the baby would leave but I just cant imagine it.

8/3/11
Divorce has been the topic in my house for months.. its really getting old. Its Going to happen but no one is moving tword making it happen soon. I didnt expect tears when I read this blog.. but it haappens to have lots of emotions that I have yet to understand.

9/2/11
I got no place with the forth step. But I have changed how I speak to my HP.

9/2/11
Dad sold a lot of stuff.. but he bought a car with it. he figured his credit was still good and he needs a car after the split, so he got one. I dont blame him. Also dad decided we can keep the car but he isnt going to give us payments. He will keep paying the car off as long as mom doesnt try to go after him for money.

The next blog leads into my current situation. situations I end this here... Rote this in December and posting it the last day of January.. Lol