I have no picture for this blog section.
I am not even sure what to name it.
I have not been doing so well since school is no longer my life. I feel scared of what is gonna happen next and confused as to what I should be doing now to take life to the fullest.
I want to cry all the time, I try not to cry because then I feel I have lost some inner battle, that I am not even fighting. I feel that my body is upset, but i don't want to be. I want to be OK. I feel so stressed and just uncomfortable in my skin.
I have not had the chance nor will I have the chance to say bye to my college friends. :( I got a job, which I was excited for, but now I cant see anyone while the days of college dwindle down to nothingness. I used to talk to the night nurse at school because she understood me some. I mean she would ask questions and I would answer them and she would tell me what she thought. It was a nice relationship we HAD. I didn't get to say bye to her either. I had a person at school I told everything too, hopes, dreams, fears, everything except how I was feeling coming to the end of school. I avoided the subject. I don't know why. Maybe not to cry in front of them. Which I did anyway the last day I will ever see them. I had teared up in their office before but never had I done it that bad. I hid behind a pillow so I could wipe away the tears. When I just wanted so bad to burst at the seams and bawl. As I walked out the door of her office she joked and said OK you can cry now. I giggle turned my head and did just that all the way to the car. I passed someone walking who looked at me. that's when i took to running to the car so I couldn't be seen. I cried for the entire ride home after that visit. And I live an hour away from where they are. I drove slow to extend the only time I feel safe to cry. No one can see me and no one is going to bother me, except maybe a police officer. I feel like my best friend has died. She understood. And didn't judge like so many of my friends do. She WAS a good friend who I have to learn to not have anymore. :(
I want to go back to the first day college started and do it all over again. But since i cant I'm gonna have to learn to except the things i didn't do. I am just not ready yet.
and to top it all of.. the last time someone/or me was/were over with college there was a huge messy breakup. where my heart was ripped out of my chest still beating, smashed onto the group and stopped on until my heart stopped moving. Then it was put back in my chest for me to try and heal it. Its never been the same but at least it stops aching for THAT person. It has moved on to an even better, more wonderful person who i just ador. I cant live without them (I'm sure i could but i don't want to ever imagine doing so) they are who i want to be with in life. (for now because you never know what will/might happen.) The problem is that this person I'm so happy to be with let slip that they only started dating me (at first) to help me get over the break up i just had. I was devastated to hear this. She then continued with "I'm glad I started dating you because your my world" which means she is here to say... or does it.. I fear what might happen because it has happened before. yes with other people, yes at a different point in my life, and yes I'm negative and always see the bad side of things, but it has happened before, it can happen again. Cant it? Will it? I will be so upset. The last breakup tor me apart. it took parts of me away and i will never... i repeat NEVER see them again. and if this one ends just as badly, where my best friend isn't my friend again, and i have NO one to talk to... i don't know what will happen.
Should i mention that I'm graduating in 11 days. And the person I'm dating is not. She was supposed to but fate decide otherwise.. she will be repeating this year and Will graduate next year. Ill be there for her, like she is going to be there for me. (i hope)
That's really all i can cling to is HOPE that god has a better path for me in life than sitting at home after work ranting on a blog about how much i hate my life. But through out this all.. i need to lift this up and hope my higher-power can save me from myself... {bad negative thoughts about every situation.. it would be nice to see the good in this.. i mean i am done school. I am getting my BA.. whats so wrong with that.. why do i have to be soooo emotional about everything. I feel broken :( }
LAS: I hope this blog doesn't cause issues between us. You are my world and a piece of me will always love you no matter what happens. <3 u luv bug.
No comments:
Post a Comment