Wishing for a snow day :)

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Like there is even going to be that much snow that this (picture) is going to be needed. Its barley snowing. WELL its is starting to pick up. But ALL The other times the news said it was going to snow it never did. I am secretly hoping for no work tomorrow but for that to happen it would have to snow so hard that the power goes out.. or pipes freeze or the heat breaks. Which wont happen but oh well.. :) girl can dream.

Work today was quick. Only worked a few hours and then met a friend at my old college. I got the lucky chance to talk to an old... friend i guess i could say. :) 20 min. was not long enough to catch up on life but i manage to spill my guts. wow mind ninja... :P well... i Have an hour drive tonight so i hope the snow doesn't collect to bad to quickly. I miss the feeling of saying whatever comes to my mind and not feeling that i have to be afraid of what will come next. Sometimes difficult questions follow but at least once I leave that room, whatever was said stays there. I really need to find someone like that out in the real world. Thought they will never be the same.

I try hard to deal with life myself but sometimes its nice to talk to someone who just listens and unless you grant them to say nothing. I miss those days. I'm more willing to work on me now than i was before and i waisted all that time avoiding helping myself. :(

Oh and back to the snow **** snow snow**** snow some more*** don't you stop*** until tomorrow***



also mom is planning to go visit her boyfriend again... this time taking a plain. She has never flown and is going to for a man she barley knows.. If i asked her to she wouldn't have ever gone.. its kind of sad. Also i don't get to see her for her birthday because she will be with HIM!!!!!

:-(

I had such a good day today until something happened at work. And since this is open for the public to read I can't even say what happened. Over all it was a huge misunderstanding and will blow over. But not until its brought up again tomorrow and ill have to explain myself and who knows if I'll be herd. I do my best to help out others. Today I offered to change a poop from a kid that's not part of my room and I try to help others but I feel it's being waisted. I'll try my best to keep my mouth shut and avoid arguments and hope tomorrow is a better day. :'( But it's doughtful. I wanna cry. I'm doomed tomorrow. The worst part of tomorrow is going to be talked to for something that was a misunderstanding by both parties. If I'm lucky nothing will be mentioned but I'm not lucky.

moms second road trip (2/18/12-2/21/12) part two.

Mom called yesterday with the news that she isn't coming back until tomorrow. I guess the ferry she took into New York doesn't run today (Monday 20th) because its presidents day. Oh well. I decided to surprise mom. She has been gone and i have been cleaning the downstairs part of our house like crazy. Dad said to me today, "when you going to be done cleaning?" I'm just happy he noticed. :) I had help from a good friend, she payed for the mop and helped clean the kitchen. We were walking thought walmart and I decided I wanted to buy a mop. After that, I ended up spending $50 on cleaning supplies. At about 6 o'clock today (pm) I finished cleaning the downstairs. OOOOOOPPS I forgot about the bathroom. OK once that is cleaned im done.

Dad had been a pain most of the time yesterday and the day before that, but has been nice today. He drove me to work twice. (once for the beginning of the day and once for my return from break) He made my favorite meal for lunch yesterday. I think that was his way of saying sorry. I wish I had ways of saying sorry to him without spitting out the five letter word. He was looking for wood for his wood stove yesterday, i searched craigslist until i found him an add i thought he would like. He told me to email the guy. I did and the guy called about 2 hours later. :) hope that counts as my sorry. But, i really wish i could just apologize when i really need to.

The thing that makes me sad about my house is that there was so much dirt stuck onto the floor, that there is now spots of dark. these spots of dirt wouldn't come off. Those spots need more attention that i felt like giving them so i left the spots but cleaned up most of the mess on all the floors. I almost feel like the floor looked better covered in brown dirt so the spots didn't show. I would start the dishes but i don't know how, and i would suck it up and do laundry but our washer broke so that's not happening. 

moms second road trip (2/18/12-2/21/12)

Mom left this morning for her road trip to New York. She didn't say bye before she left. She also didn't text me to tell me she had made it to the ferry. If I were on the trip and she was still at home she would have wanted me to text her. Guess she doesn't stand up to her own standards. Its really no big deal I just texted her and asked if she made it safe. She had only gotten to the Ferry. Once on the boat she had to wait about an hour to reach New York. Well shes there now and who knows what shes doing. She hasn't been talking through text. I'm guessing I wont hear from her the whole time shes gone.

Well dad came home and herd someone in the living room. He thought it was mom because the car was gone. Well he saw it was me and started asking questions. He asked where mom was. I said out. He asked when she coming back I said I didn't know. I wasn't lying I don't know when shes coming back. could be Sunday or Monday. He left the house and went outside. Maybe five minuets went by and he came back and asked if she was gone for the weekend. I said yes. That's when she started yelling at me. He said I should have just said that in the first place. But I A. don't feel its his business B. I shouldn't be the one telling where his wife is. C. he didn't ask the question that would have gotten him the answers he was seeking. He asked if i knew when she was coming back i said no. he didn't say could you guess as to how long she will be gone. Or even ask how long will she be gone.

Then he left the house again and stayed gone for about an hour. He came in and asked if my friend was coming over this weekend. I said i didn't know and he then asked if i wanted to go to breakfast with him and his friend. I didn't answer that question because his friend is hard to be around. I said by the way I have a tax appointment at 12 tomorrow and no car to get there. He said well what are you going to do. I said nicely beg you to let me use your car. He said no way. Than told me i was dumb for making the appointment when mom had the car. He never once offered to take me so i wouldn't have to borrow his car. he just left the house again. I cant win with that man.

I wanted to run away and not be here this weekend but i told myself i need to grow up and deal with dad because one day he isn't going to be around.  He makes it hard to love him. I know its not him its the alcohol but i mean its hard to see the man behind the illness. I want to love him, hes my dad but sometimes I'd rather just hate him. Now its dinner time. I am wondering if i would cook something or wait for dad to be hungry. I dont want to set him off again but I dont want to wait for him to come in again. I'd rather eat and run away to my room. He makes me want to cry and do all the bad things i used to do when i couldnt deal with my emotions. I cant go back to those days. I wont. sometimes i wonder if he knows what he does to the people he talks to. :( he probably has no idea and never will with the way hes been drinking. He is lousing the battle and its killing me to watch. 

divorce proceedings 3

Tomorrow at about 8 am my mom starts her second trip to CT. She's meeting her boyfriend at the ferry in Connecticut and taking the boat over with the car to New York. I am going to miss her this weekend. Dad doesn't know she is leaving and will be quite mad when he finds out.

Well moms a big girl so she can do as she pleases. I met the man once he was very nice and funny, but there's some things I don't like. But that's just me. I wish them a happy valentines day and a safe trip with my car.

Sarah moved out and the stress level has been low. Its kind of nice but it's not going to last. I still miss that little kid. He has visited once since he left. It was so much fun having him for the afternoon.

The animal situation has escalated, dad wants to start getting rid of some of the animals. Katie is the first to go. She's our black cat. .  .    =( She's getting in the way and she steels food right off your plate if your not quick enough to notice. Dads having her put down, which I feel is wrong. She's old and annoying but doesn't need to be killed for it =( but not my say. Dads doing what's best for the divorce situation.

Well guess that's all for news on the divorce.

divorce proceedings 2

My nephew moved out!!!!! he moved out with his mom two days ago. At first I was sooo sad.. Cryed for hours. I knew he would leave on day but I guess I wasn't ready. His cloths are gone, his toys are gone, his messes are gone, and my mom seems to be happy. She's getting things done around the house, and doesn't just play on the computer. Shea talking about fixing up the house  =). I'm sad devins not around, and ill miss his mom too.

So I'm still doing the alanon thing. I am surprised considering I don't ever stick to anything. I love the people. I try to pay attention at meetings but somethings are lost on me. I have/had a sponcer. I don't know right now. I have a good souled person who is helping me through the first three steps then I'm on my own. She's going to help me find a sponcer, I'm so blessed to have ever met her. I should say I'm so blessed I met the original person who sent me to alanon
 I originally went to the first meeting to prove I didn't need it. I thought I was right when the first meeting ended, but at the beginning of the meeting it said something about going to six meetings before you decide if alanon is for you. So I felt if I want to be completely right I will go to six. The third meeting was a doozy. I had no idea what I Hurd but I knew I belonged and I had only proven to myself I had problems and these strangers were going to help me fox them. My issues have lessened bit with each passing month I find more to work on, not they I know exactly hotoyo work on it yet.

Ok the point i was making was that i was told to write down what I'm thinking and or feeling when i feel burdened with lifes events, that's what I'm doing in this and more to follow blogs =)

So back to the Devon thing, my family gave up so much for that little boy when he entered this world unexspectidly, its going to be nice beeing free again. My parents are getting a divorce still that doesn't seem to change. Its sad but maybe when the process is over i won't be so sad all the time. I'll be able to cope with. Lifes sadness instead of expecting the unexpected. Divorce is sad but freeea everyone
 yes I'll be finachally screwed, but hey i am now. My dad will be free to drink as he pleases and won't have to worry about us being upset with that. Mom can date her NY boyfriend and not worry about dad disconecting the lights or internet. If I'm lucky I'll be able to live with my girl and not be sad about not seeing her... But we fight... All the time.. Its sad really. Moving in will eather force us to work things out or split is up. I am hoping for option one and dreading option two.

I have a hard time expressing emotions in writing and in person depending on said emotion. I can easily show anger, which isn't good at all. Loves easy too, but sadness or other important emotions are lost to the wind. Most of the time i can't put a finger on what's upsetting me or what feeling i am currently feeling. I hope to work on that through the steps of the program but who knows.. HP HELP!!!