Something that should have never happend. I'm sorry.

This post was supposed to be written yesterday but I was unable to get to a computer so I'm writing it now.

Originally written on November 7 at 1024.

Ok. So, I sit here in my room crying because the person i love so dearly has just left after spending the weekend with me. Well, I'm not entirely crying because she left it's more of a bunch of mixed emotions.

I have been attending Alanon meetings for about a year now. and I have tried to learn not to control a situation or it's outcome. Yeah well if you know me at allllllll, that's one of my so called character defects. (more Alanon for ya) Well, i have been working hard not to control what happens in my life or how things turn out. however I have not learned though Alanon how I should feel if I don't control someone or a said situation, and it turns out wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wrong. If I could have controlled that situation I wouldn't be feeling horrible about myself right now would I? NO is the answer if you were not sure.

Well, this is where i just get soooo confused about what I'm to feel when I do use Alanon. And if I feel horrible, have I done it wrong. People at meetings say there is no wrong way... but they don't know me. I am goooooood at finding loop holes in anything. And sorry Alanon I think I found yours.

A friend of mine has been partaking in many weekends of partying. (non Alanon thought) wants to tell her how i feel about this and make her stop before she gets into trouble.  (Alanon thought) has sat quiet and waited for her to hit rock bottom. God I'm a horrible friend. Well,  considering she got written up at a school she doesn't go to for partying in a sweet with boys after hours (which I'm sure was not her idea) That same week she smashes her brothers car less than two hours ago ( if i had actually typed this blog when I had done it on my Ipod.) I think she may have just hit rock bottom. I feel horrible i can't save her from her bad decisions. That is not my job thought as a friend I almost feel obligated too. Friends don't let friends get caught. Yet Alanon says for them to do what's is right you need to let the person in trouble deal with their actions outcomes, no matter how bad they may be. That just feels wrong to me. Verrrrry verrrrrry wrong.

Anyway, easily lost in typing thought. The person I had over just left to go and visit the person who crashed at the ER. I wanted to go, but i had conflicting feelings so I chose to stay home. Well I felt ( due to Alanon) that the person at the hospital needed to face what she had done. ( like she had done something wrong. The crash was soooo not her fault and I'm such a jerk for not caring more. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING A HORRIBLE FRIEND. I am not doctor but I feel that partying  had led to a seizure while driving. Yes its a horrible thing and the seizure isn't her fault but the partying that screwed with her med levels in her blood is. i do hope thought that she is going to be ok. She is a good friend and that's why i truly feel she needed to deal with this on her own. thought I want so badly to be there with her. And if I had a ride home I most likely would have gone with my other friend to visit her. I feel ashamed now for not going. What kind of friend am I. Isn't smashing a car enough to cause just the negative situation she needs. well i have no idea. Alanon has been messing with my thinking. I think both with Alanon and without it with every situation i encounter now. And have no idea which one is right. I wish i should be told but that isn't how life works... ughhhh.

So now I'm alone. Wishing I wasn't crying so much. My eyes burn and my cheeks are puffy. I look like a blow fish... lol. Minus the ability to deflate at will. lol... I have to wait.. oh those lucky little fish.

So by the way if anyone was wondering what Alanon was it's a twelve step meeting for people who are affected by someone else's drinking disease. the meetings use the same twelve steps as Alcoholics Anonymous (google the steps if you want to know more about them, just keep an open mind. The steps work if you work them.)

In closing.. I feel like a horrible friend, girlfriend, and just plain heartless. I don't know. If i did what i was supposed to or not (Alanon again :/) It's up to my higher power. God help me to do what's right and change only what i can and learn to leave well enough alone when i should just mind my own P's and Q's. The End ... I hope.

PS: sorry you hit your head, had a seizure, smashed your bothers car, and got caught at school for partying. God has a plan for you that's why you didn't die during that crash.. it was not your time.. You just need to wait and figure out what it is your supposed to do. Your a good person and a great friend and deserve so much less pain in your lie than your getting. Just wanted you to know.

I'm a horrible friend and I want so badly to make up for that. I am going to try harder. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

about it nothing that happened yesterday was your fault. You were in the right spot at the wrong time.