Thanksgiving is in two days. I have spent the last week over my friends house. Now I have to return home for the holiday. Its only going to be a dinner for three. I was hoping my friend could come to my house and enjoy the feast with me, but she isn't aloud to. I don't think she really wanted to be there anyway. I totally understand. Her grandfather is starting to have breathing problems and now has cancer. She is afraid he will not make it another year. He doesn't seem that sick but i understand her wanting to spend the holidays with him. I would feel awful if she came and visited me and he ended up not being there for the next year. Its life people die but we all need to hold onto the ones we love as much as we can. I just wish i had that much love for my extended family. The people in my family that I made a strong connection with have already died and are now living their lives in heaven.
My sister has been kicked out of the house, so even if she intended to be at our house for Thanksgiving she isn't welcome. I want her there but it doesn't matter what i want. I miss the little girl she used to be. The child who loved playing with me and liked me around her, not the girl who steels my things and hates my guts. Not sure what i did to her, though if i could go back in time i would fix everything so we could be good siblings. I don't like fighting with her. I want my childhood back, I have waisted thousands of dollars trying to do something i think i lost my passion for anyway. I don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. I thought i wanted to be a teacher, but i don't know anymore.
Back to Thanksgiving, I have to pick up the Thanksgiving basket from the school i attend today before 2 o'clock. I have no idea whats in it but i am thankful i get to have one. I cant wait until the turkey is cooked and its time to eat, but i worry about what that day will be like until the food is done. We fought a lot last year.
I just wish for all my friends to be happy on their holidays. Its hard to be thankful for things when things at home are so messed up but, I'm doing my best. I'm thankful for my nephew, my girlfriend, my parents, the fact we live in a house, I'm thankful to be alive-though that's one I'm struggling with, I'm thankful for a whole lot even the little things.
The mushroom picture at the top of the blog is just an example of how i feel while i write this. I feel really down today and i don't exactly know why. I was hoping writing would make me feel better but it really hasn't. I have a counselor at school i talk to once a week. I really wish i could go and talk to her now but i cant. I only see her on Thursdays and its a Tuesday today. I could really use her advice on how to deal with EVERYTHING. I really don't need her as much as i did when i first saw her, but i do fear how ill be dealing with things when school is over. I cant afford a payed counselor, and they wouldn't be the same. I wish i could pay her to see me. She just seems to understand so much more than i could have ever expected. :( oh well right.
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