Girl vs Room.

I am attempting to clean my room of doom.

 (3-7pm)
This is my bed. covered in all the stuff that was on my vanity thing, that I use as a table/shelf. Lots of things on this bed. A graduation gift, a book from a friend, a bunch of art stuff, vitamin water, and not so much bed. 

This is a picture of directly next to the bed.  I started grouping the things in my room as trash and things I want. The things in these bags were on the bed but I have moved them to things I want. Hoping that once I have everything split I can organize and throw out things I don't need.

This is a picture of the rest of my room. If that's what you can call it. I have yet to move in from my time at Hesser, now that Rivier is over I either need to organize things to move in all the way or move out. Working on in.. lol out can come later.

It looks as thought its a huge pile of mess but it is a small layer of unwanted stuff in my room.. And if you look in the corner there be a bunny. She is cleaned and fed often but it sure doesn't look like it. Hadn't realized how much my depressive-ness in the past few years had led to me not caring how/or what i live in/like. I feel better than I did the whole time I attended college. I used to be on medication for it. But one day decided they don't fix the problem just make it hide until its ready to come back and destroy your life at a later time. So i stopped the medication to deal with it now that i dint have the stresses of school to worry about. I had been doing wonderfully until the past few days (will be continued later in another post about Devin moving out and probably never coming back)

I hope to later on post pictures of what the room looks like in a few hours.. 

I have so far gotten a huge bruise on my leg from miss calculating a step and scraping my leg on something pointy.. i have a bruised hand(causing it hard to type.) because of a miss hap with a window and an ac. I was trying to put the AC in my room ALL BY MYSELF, proving to my mom I don't need a man to help me do things. (my sisters boyfriend helped her put hers in her own window.) I said I don't need a man for anything except fixing my car. ;) Well I guess this year I should have waited for Lindsay to help me do the AC. I needed three hands and attempted to put the AC in the window without a third hand. I was using my head to hold the window open while the hands were moving a piece of wood and the AC in place. I fumbled and moved the wood the wrong way and couldn't see how to fix it so i moved my head to look. You guessed it. the window slammed shut. Well my hand was there and i had no idea. SMASH. I wanted to cry at first. My hand tingled from hitting the nerves, then it started to burn. Thought i might have broken something I didn't move. I just stood there staring at my hand wedged between the AC and the window. Well I eventually moved my and out of the window leaving the AC in the perfect position for the rest of the summer. I went down stairs and put ice on my hand and just watched TV to distract me from the pain. Its fine now.. Hurts a little when I type but nothings is broken. Just a straight bruise that runs along the top of my hand. I have a long way before my room is done I'm sure to hurt myself more. I am so klutzy. :) but its what I am so I don't mind to much..

MAKE IT STOP... please

A lot has happened since the last post...

-I built a garden with dad ( when it stops raining I will put the seeds in the ground.. )
-Moms birthday/mothers day present came in the mail ( a mothers necklace with five stones.. one or everyone in the family.. )
- I had the Undergraduate Hooding
- I graduated


..... and yet nothing has changed.. Mom is downstairs right now yelling at my sister for using to much milk. (which to me is no big deal since she is planning on reusing the milk to have a second bowl of cereal)... and also yelling about the fact the computer isnt working. She says its because of a document sarah downloaded for her job. (sarah asked if she could download it and mom said yes. she didnt know it was going to screw the computer up. not her fault she should not be yelled at for it. mom needs to grow the f up.) I want so badly to go downstairs and tell mom how dumb she is acting.. oh and yesterday she yelled at dad for unplugging the Internet. He has done it a few times but didnt do it yesterday because when it stopped working he was asleep. On our computers there are two computers that show up to show you are connected. We had that picture but the globe was missing that shows up in front of the two computers. This globe shows you that you have Internet. We were connected but didnt have a connection. Yeah its complicated. My point is that if he had unplugged said cord that picture would have been of two computers with a red X across it. That was NOT the picture. There for, mom was a being a raging idiot yesterday and its leading into today too.. I cant deal with this much longer. I want to move out and leave her hear.. but i dont have a car.. so unless the place i move to is in town.. i am out of luck..


... Thats my rant for today.. thanks for listening.. And please make the yelling stop. :(

:(

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR A COMPLETE LOSER?

I HAVE FOUR FREAKING TICKETS TO A HOODING FOR SCHOOL GRADUATION. Something important to me. AND I DON'T HAVE FOUR PEOPLE I COULD INVITE TO IT.

I wish I was one of those people who didn't have enough tickets.. no instead I am a loser who has an extra ticket. And the person I would invite to the event doesn't even know I would love them to go. I have no way of contacting them. They can contact me but probably wont. :( sometimes i wish things were different and that i had just left school without graduating.. I wouldn't have this problem. Four tickets and I cant even think of four people to go.. who lame.. oh and I asked dad to go to graduation.. and he said he would rather get things done around the house. He did say thanks for asking before he said he is busy.. :( My own father wont go.. :( Five years of school is coming to an abrupt end Saturday and I am feeling worthless and not successful. I feel so lonely and forgotten. This sucks.

internal fight due to external events :(

I have no picture for this blog section.

I am not even sure what to name it.

I have not been doing so well since school is no longer my life. I feel scared of what is gonna happen next and confused as to what I should be doing now to take life to the fullest.

I want to cry all the time, I try not to cry because then I feel I have lost some inner battle, that I am not even fighting. I feel that my body is upset, but i don't want to be. I want to be OK. I feel so stressed and just uncomfortable in my skin.

I have not had the chance nor will I have the chance to say bye to my college friends. :( I got a job, which I was excited for, but now I cant see anyone while the days of college dwindle down to nothingness. I used to talk to the night nurse at school because she understood me some. I mean she would ask questions and I would answer them and she would tell me what she thought. It was a nice relationship we HAD. I didn't get to say bye to her either. I had a person at school I told everything too, hopes, dreams, fears, everything except how I was feeling coming to the end of school. I avoided the subject. I don't know why. Maybe not to cry in front of them. Which I did anyway the last day I will ever see them. I had teared up in their office before but never had I done it that bad. I hid behind a pillow so I could wipe away the tears. When I just wanted so bad to burst at the seams and bawl. As I walked out the door of her office she joked and said OK you can cry now. I giggle turned my head and did just that all the way to the car. I passed someone walking who looked at me. that's when i took to running to the car so I couldn't be seen. I cried for the entire ride home after that visit.  And I live an hour away from where they are. I drove slow to extend the only time I feel safe to cry. No one can see me and no one is going to bother me, except maybe a police officer. I feel like my best friend has died. She understood. And didn't judge like so many of my friends do. She WAS a good friend who I have to learn to not have anymore. :(

I want to go back to the first day college started and do it all over again. But since i cant I'm gonna have to learn to except the things i didn't do. I am just not ready yet.

and to top it all of.. the last time someone/or me was/were over with college there was a huge messy breakup. where my heart was ripped out of my chest still beating, smashed onto the group and stopped on until my heart stopped moving. Then it was put back in my chest for me to try and heal it. Its never been the same but at least it stops aching for THAT person. It has moved on to an even better, more wonderful person who i just ador. I cant live without them (I'm sure i could but i don't want to ever imagine doing so) they are who i want to be with in life. (for now because you never know what will/might happen.) The problem is that this person I'm so happy to be with let slip that they only started dating me (at first) to help me get over the break up i just had. I was devastated to hear this. She then continued with "I'm glad I started dating you because your my world" which means she is here to say... or does it.. I fear what might happen because it has happened before. yes with other people, yes at a different point in my life, and yes I'm negative and always see the bad side of things, but it has happened before, it can happen again. Cant it? Will it? I will be so upset. The last breakup tor me apart. it took parts of me away and i will never... i repeat NEVER see them again. and if this one ends just as badly, where my best friend isn't my friend again, and i have NO one to talk to... i don't know what will happen.

Should i mention that I'm graduating in 11 days. And the person I'm dating is not. She was supposed to but fate decide otherwise.. she will be repeating this year and Will graduate next year. Ill be there for her, like she is going to be there for me. (i hope)

That's really all i can cling to is HOPE that god has a better path for me in life than sitting at home after work ranting on a blog about how much i hate my life. But through out this all.. i need to lift this up and hope my higher-power can save me from myself... {bad negative thoughts about every situation.. it would be nice to see the good in this.. i mean i am done school. I am getting my BA.. whats so wrong with that.. why do i have to be soooo emotional about everything. I feel broken :( }


LAS: I hope this blog doesn't cause issues between us. You are my world and a piece of me will always love you no matter what happens. <3 u luv bug.

Cans and Bottles :(

This is a picture of what our recycling bin looks like after one day of Sarah partying. :( That's a lot of drinks for a small amount of people to consume during one night.

My dad came into my room today to talk to me. He invaded my space, he usually just calls my name and I get up and go to him. I don't want him in my room. He was so drunk that he almost fell in my door way and i couldn't do anything but pretend i was listening to what he was saying. He was telling me that he made the cake for moms birthday. It makes me sad that he drinks so much, but today was a happy drunk so ill take it any day over the angry sober/drunken dad.

Seeing how this disease has torn this family part hurts so much more than I can explain to the common person. The only people who truly understand are my alanon people. But I don't get to see them much. Just once a week.

School From Beginning To End

          I originally started kindergarten in a town I don't know the name of nor do the I remember the school. I was four and it was full day kindergarten. Then we moved to Amesbury and they refused to take me into the their kindergarten class because I was to young. I had to wait three years before I could start again. I was almost done my first year of kindergarten when they wouldn't take me. I started kindergarten in Amesbury MA. in a small building called the Horas Mann School at the age of six, when most kids were only five. That building no longer exists as an elementary school. It now is a building that hold the supplies for the schools of the town, and is a Special Education Facility. This building had the only preschool classroom in the town, along with kindergarten and first grade classrooms. It was two floors but as you can see in the photo below it was small. I had Patty Bradly for Kindergarten. She was a sweet little lady. She wasn't old and was so nice to her students. She had a room that connected to a first grade class. The funny thing is I had the connecting teacher the following year. Marsha Stelmack. How have I remember the names of my teachers so well, my teachers helped guide me into who I am today. I wanted to be a teacher ever since my first day of kindergarten. I would pretend to be a teacher and teach my sister letters and numbers since she was smaller than I was. I don't know if that helped her in school when she started, but it was a fun past time for me.

(so the picture doesn't actually say welcome to the school. I added that when I couldn't get the bubble to go away.             Once a student made it to first grade you were given an IQ test. The results of this test might have been the reason I became coded in the school system, but I am unsure to when that started. There were two elementary schools a student could have been sent to once first grade was over. The Amesbury Elementary School or the Charles C. Cashman Elementary School. I was sent to the Cashman because the AE school had kindergarten and first grade classes in the building while the Cashman did not. Most students who went to the Horas Mann school were sent to the Cashman to continue Elementary school. I believe the reason for this split elementary school was due to the town boundaries. Whatever school you lived closer to you got to go to that school unless otherwise specified. For example, there was a kid in my first and second grade class who was allergic to latex. He was sent to AE because he was allergic to the new gym floor at the Cashman.

(This is the Cashman School. It is different from when I was student. The school raised money and rebuilt the section of the school I had classes in. )

         I attended the Cashman for second-fourth grade. I was the one of the lucky fifth graders they used as a guinea pig to see if the middle school could work with fifth graders in it. I guess it worked out fine because the fifth grade classrooms are still in the middle school. I had Ms. LaPlant for second and third grade. Mom thought it would be easier for me if I had the same teacher. It was a nightmare. I was so upset when I found out I was having the same lady again. She was not so nice to me. I really didn't get along with her. But then I moved onto a really nice lady named Miss Coffen. Mean forth graders told me she was the teacher who lived in a coffin. I wanted to cry. So I told my teacher what they said and she laughed at me. She brought me over to my new teacher the last day of third grade so i could meat her and not worry about who my teacher was during the summer. My teacher was so nice and i was excited to have her. Forth grade was the best year i feel. We learned to write and read better. Also that was the year the school system found out I couldn't read. I ended up with a morning reading group and an afternoon reading group. I loved the morning one and hated the one in the afternoon. It was so repetitive i couldn't take it. I started acting out to do something new in there. I wouldn't do what we were supposed to because i was board. I told mom and i was removed from there. So i ended up only having a morning reading group. I believe it helped because i can read and write. Though i cant spell well (bet you couldn't tell, jk)

         I had my fifth grade classroom in the Middle School. This was the first time I had a male teacher. I was so scared. But he was so nice I got over it. This is the part of my childhood teachers I start to forget who they were. I can picture their faces but not their names.

(This is the Amesbury

      I had four classes but only three teachers in Fifth grade and I will do my best to remember who they are. I had a male science teacher named  _________  he was also my history teacher. (ok i know that looks back.. lol) I had a male math teacher named Mr. Adams, I had a female English teacher(s) (the S is because we had so many changed English teachers i don't remember who they are/were)

    In sixth grade I had four teachers for my four classes. (I'm not listing art teachers or music or anything like that because I have no clue) My Math teacher was a female named ______ (ok this one is sad i don't remember  because she was my neighbor. lol) My English teacher was a Female named ______ (i didn't like her so i guess its fine i don't know her name) My history teacher was so nice but i don't remember her name, and my science teacher was Mr. Bent. He was the best. He was so funny and cared about his students.

          Soooo. I am getting really bad at remembering their names. I do remember each teachers face and different things that different teachers did for me. I guess that is the important part. Seventh grade was a good year. I had a female math teacher until she got fired for having sex with a student so she was replaced with a male teacher i didnt like. I had a male science teacher and i have no idea about the other teachers.

 (This is the Iberg Homes Grove Middle School, named after the lady who funded it.)

         Eighth grade was different. I had started at one school and ended at another this year. I was so sad to move and had no friends after i did. I had a female English teacher named Ms. Bell, male history teacher named Mr. Cameron, Female math teacher named Ms. Brown, and a female science teacher named Ms. Hutton. (all these teachers were at the new school.)

(This is the Raymond High School.)

          I had to many teachers to tell. I cant remember the order but I attened this school for four years. I do remember some names such as Ms. Nardone(history and law), Mr. Marshal (biology), Mis. Zano (math), Mis. Osana(history and psychology), Mr. stone (economics) , Mir LaCasse ( music) , (if i start to remember ill add more later.. )

(this picture makes the college look huge but it isn't. This is Hesser college. this is a five story building. The college only took up one whole side of the three sided building (a short end) and the whole bottom floor the another (long end))

      I went to Hesser College in Manchester NH for Early Childhood education. I had some wonderful teachers and I had one teacher who made it ALMOST impossible to pass. I did and she is no longer working there.

(This is Rivier College. All the space between the pink line is the campus)
    
       This school is huge, but manageable. Once I got used to all the buildings I stopped getting lost. :) This picture is hard to see but the campus is made up of over 27 buildings. That number doesn't count the Sister residences. I am graduating (or graduated depending on the time you read this) soon. Two weeks or so actually. I am happy about my stay at Rivier. I met some wonderful people there who helped me more than I could have ever asked for. I would recommend this college to anyone who were looking into campuses in the Nashua area.

            I'm not ready to give up 18 years of schooling. One day, one walk across a stage, one hand shake, and its over. All I have been doing for my last 18 years of life has been about schooling and its over. I don't like this, but I cant continue schooling anymore. Its just not a good time. Maybe soon I can start onto my path as a social worker like i have been thinking about but now isn't a good time. I just got a job that takes up all my free time. I love the job. (its only been two days on the day I write this)

           Rivier gave me freedom to be me and I didn't have to worry about what people thought as much as i do now. i cant be me and express who i love and who I don't so openly anymore because it could upset someone. I don't want to upset people but i don't want to hid myself either. Its time for me to join the real world and work my 9-6 job and make a living for myself, start a family and get on with life. I sure hope alanon can help me with any problem i have now because i lost the one person i could talk to about everything. Oh well Ill keep the Blog posted.

I went to a funeral today. It wasn't for anyone in my family. It was for a friends dad. The man who died had a drinking problem, which led to his death. This makes me want so badly to go and beg my own father to stop drinking. This man was sick for only a few days and then he passed on. I hope when my dad get sick (since he wont stop drinking) that it comes and goes just as fast. I want him to stop drinking but it wont stop his other behaviors. I want him to stop being so verbally violent. And for some reason i don't believe that him stopping drinking will help him stop being so mean. But I can only hope.

A New Beginning.

I would just like to start by saying sorry for not writing. I have been dealing with life as it comes. I am back that's all that matters. I have come to the part in my life where I part ways with textbooks and tests. I have one final left of my college journey. Its on Monday 5/2/11 and I'm done. :( I have learned so much with my stay at Rivier College. I have learned more about myself, and come to understand things about myself I never knew before. I wont go into that right now but believe i have a greater sense of "self"

I got a job today. I had an interview and a working interview a few days ago.. :) and got the call today. I have the job. I will be working just down the road from my house. Its so close i can walk there. I love that. I am now the lead teacher in the infant room.

I don't know much more to say right now. I just went though a really hard goodbye moment with someone dear to me. I will now call us friends now that the professional side of our relationship is over. No I probably wont ever hear from this person again (which saddens me) but I thank god for putting them into my life. She was given to me when I had given up on myself. She just listened and cared when i felt even my friends didn't. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be. Thank you A.

Screaming + Crying = My Life In A Nutshell

This one picture describes exactly how my house has been since Christmas. Yelling and crying. I cant take much more of both. I get yelled at for things I don't do. And I would feel to bad to do the things I'm getting yelled at for. My sister steels thing from me, and when something goes missing from her room she says i took it. I have to share the one computer in the house the doesn't have problems with the rest of the family, when I have given up two laptops so my family could still use the Internet. I have online classes. I am not giving up the computer. Its in my room and things go missing when people use it. I louse pills, money, and small peaces of my self the more I have to yell at people to leave my thing alone. My mom sleep on my floor because she doesn't have a bed. When  I am not home she is sleeping in my bed with her nasty dogs who need to be washed. My pillow smells like dog crap and I cant stand that she would let them on my bed. All the crap that is happening in this family makes me often thing about just ending it all. Just finding the perfect way of doing it is mostly what stops me. And that fact I'm in the best relationship I have ever been in. I lover her to death and couldn't do that to her.

The Ala-non stuff has not gone well. I have gotten a sponsor who looks at me like I'm a sad puppy. But she is very helpful. She cares and that's more than I have ever gotten from a stranger. We are working on step one. Thought that step would be easy.. but its not. I have to learn not to scream at people when something I don't like happens. I have so much trouble with that. I cant seem to just brush it off and let it go. Even when I'm done yelling I am still fuming. I have horrible urges to do bad thing to myself. I have pierced myself seven times due to anger and needing to release it. I feel almost pushed into do it again. I have my nose pierced (took two tries), my ears have three holes (took five tries). I have cut myself. Once I get one cut done my body goes numb and I cant Feel it anymore. Or not the way a normal person should feel pain. I felt nothing.    I did it two days ago.. Over thirty times. in the same small area. they are really small and don't look like much but it should have hurt more than it did but it didn't. I was on depression pills but couldn't afford to get the refilled. When my sister stole the money from Ala-non (which she clams she didn't) All my extra money went to paying back that money. I have not spent any money on myself in months. Poor Lindsay (my girlfriend) spends so much money on me. If she sees something she thinks I would like she gets it for me. She is the small thread that keeps me alive each day.

I'm hoping when I get to the store I can fill the prescription and I'll feel less likely to murder my family.           (I know I have violent thoughts but I don't see myself violent towards other people, just myself) I saw a counselor at school. She is also my savor. She listens and doesn't judge me at all.(or at least i cant see that she does) After twenty min. of talking to her yesterday she asked if I was on any medication. I said yes, depression. She asked if i was taking them. I said I would like to but I don't have the money. She goes, I can tell your depressed you need those pills back. I told her I know I do. The pills make me feel less violent. She suggested to walk.. When I feel upset to just walk. and walk like crazy. I want to I really do. I just am so stubborn that I cant even get myself too. I wanted to today. But never left the computer chair. I need help from god to get me motivated. God please help, your the only one who can..

THE HOLIDAY ARE HEAR :)

Hark how the bells, Sweet silver bells. and all that Fa la la alalalaaa ing. I love it. So far we have the tree up. (almost didn't put it up this year) And presents rapped (almost didn't have money to buy any) So this CChristmas season i alllllllllll about my nephew. He is two and is having his Christmas Thursday instead of Saturday. My friend is coming up with a ton of gifts for him and we are going to be Santa's elves this year. We are planning everything. My nephew is even going to put out brownies for Santa. When he is asleep my friend and i are going to put the presents under the tree. So he can wake up and have new toys. Its going to be soooo cute. I hope she remembers her camera... or she is dead.. i mean... :) Is it Thursday yet.. I'm sooooo excited.