School From Beginning To End

          I originally started kindergarten in a town I don't know the name of nor do the I remember the school. I was four and it was full day kindergarten. Then we moved to Amesbury and they refused to take me into the their kindergarten class because I was to young. I had to wait three years before I could start again. I was almost done my first year of kindergarten when they wouldn't take me. I started kindergarten in Amesbury MA. in a small building called the Horas Mann School at the age of six, when most kids were only five. That building no longer exists as an elementary school. It now is a building that hold the supplies for the schools of the town, and is a Special Education Facility. This building had the only preschool classroom in the town, along with kindergarten and first grade classrooms. It was two floors but as you can see in the photo below it was small. I had Patty Bradly for Kindergarten. She was a sweet little lady. She wasn't old and was so nice to her students. She had a room that connected to a first grade class. The funny thing is I had the connecting teacher the following year. Marsha Stelmack. How have I remember the names of my teachers so well, my teachers helped guide me into who I am today. I wanted to be a teacher ever since my first day of kindergarten. I would pretend to be a teacher and teach my sister letters and numbers since she was smaller than I was. I don't know if that helped her in school when she started, but it was a fun past time for me.

(so the picture doesn't actually say welcome to the school. I added that when I couldn't get the bubble to go away.             Once a student made it to first grade you were given an IQ test. The results of this test might have been the reason I became coded in the school system, but I am unsure to when that started. There were two elementary schools a student could have been sent to once first grade was over. The Amesbury Elementary School or the Charles C. Cashman Elementary School. I was sent to the Cashman because the AE school had kindergarten and first grade classes in the building while the Cashman did not. Most students who went to the Horas Mann school were sent to the Cashman to continue Elementary school. I believe the reason for this split elementary school was due to the town boundaries. Whatever school you lived closer to you got to go to that school unless otherwise specified. For example, there was a kid in my first and second grade class who was allergic to latex. He was sent to AE because he was allergic to the new gym floor at the Cashman.

(This is the Cashman School. It is different from when I was student. The school raised money and rebuilt the section of the school I had classes in. )

         I attended the Cashman for second-fourth grade. I was the one of the lucky fifth graders they used as a guinea pig to see if the middle school could work with fifth graders in it. I guess it worked out fine because the fifth grade classrooms are still in the middle school. I had Ms. LaPlant for second and third grade. Mom thought it would be easier for me if I had the same teacher. It was a nightmare. I was so upset when I found out I was having the same lady again. She was not so nice to me. I really didn't get along with her. But then I moved onto a really nice lady named Miss Coffen. Mean forth graders told me she was the teacher who lived in a coffin. I wanted to cry. So I told my teacher what they said and she laughed at me. She brought me over to my new teacher the last day of third grade so i could meat her and not worry about who my teacher was during the summer. My teacher was so nice and i was excited to have her. Forth grade was the best year i feel. We learned to write and read better. Also that was the year the school system found out I couldn't read. I ended up with a morning reading group and an afternoon reading group. I loved the morning one and hated the one in the afternoon. It was so repetitive i couldn't take it. I started acting out to do something new in there. I wouldn't do what we were supposed to because i was board. I told mom and i was removed from there. So i ended up only having a morning reading group. I believe it helped because i can read and write. Though i cant spell well (bet you couldn't tell, jk)

         I had my fifth grade classroom in the Middle School. This was the first time I had a male teacher. I was so scared. But he was so nice I got over it. This is the part of my childhood teachers I start to forget who they were. I can picture their faces but not their names.

(This is the Amesbury

      I had four classes but only three teachers in Fifth grade and I will do my best to remember who they are. I had a male science teacher named  _________  he was also my history teacher. (ok i know that looks back.. lol) I had a male math teacher named Mr. Adams, I had a female English teacher(s) (the S is because we had so many changed English teachers i don't remember who they are/were)

    In sixth grade I had four teachers for my four classes. (I'm not listing art teachers or music or anything like that because I have no clue) My Math teacher was a female named ______ (ok this one is sad i don't remember  because she was my neighbor. lol) My English teacher was a Female named ______ (i didn't like her so i guess its fine i don't know her name) My history teacher was so nice but i don't remember her name, and my science teacher was Mr. Bent. He was the best. He was so funny and cared about his students.

          Soooo. I am getting really bad at remembering their names. I do remember each teachers face and different things that different teachers did for me. I guess that is the important part. Seventh grade was a good year. I had a female math teacher until she got fired for having sex with a student so she was replaced with a male teacher i didnt like. I had a male science teacher and i have no idea about the other teachers.

 (This is the Iberg Homes Grove Middle School, named after the lady who funded it.)

         Eighth grade was different. I had started at one school and ended at another this year. I was so sad to move and had no friends after i did. I had a female English teacher named Ms. Bell, male history teacher named Mr. Cameron, Female math teacher named Ms. Brown, and a female science teacher named Ms. Hutton. (all these teachers were at the new school.)

(This is the Raymond High School.)

          I had to many teachers to tell. I cant remember the order but I attened this school for four years. I do remember some names such as Ms. Nardone(history and law), Mr. Marshal (biology), Mis. Zano (math), Mis. Osana(history and psychology), Mr. stone (economics) , Mir LaCasse ( music) , (if i start to remember ill add more later.. )

(this picture makes the college look huge but it isn't. This is Hesser college. this is a five story building. The college only took up one whole side of the three sided building (a short end) and the whole bottom floor the another (long end))

      I went to Hesser College in Manchester NH for Early Childhood education. I had some wonderful teachers and I had one teacher who made it ALMOST impossible to pass. I did and she is no longer working there.

(This is Rivier College. All the space between the pink line is the campus)
    
       This school is huge, but manageable. Once I got used to all the buildings I stopped getting lost. :) This picture is hard to see but the campus is made up of over 27 buildings. That number doesn't count the Sister residences. I am graduating (or graduated depending on the time you read this) soon. Two weeks or so actually. I am happy about my stay at Rivier. I met some wonderful people there who helped me more than I could have ever asked for. I would recommend this college to anyone who were looking into campuses in the Nashua area.

            I'm not ready to give up 18 years of schooling. One day, one walk across a stage, one hand shake, and its over. All I have been doing for my last 18 years of life has been about schooling and its over. I don't like this, but I cant continue schooling anymore. Its just not a good time. Maybe soon I can start onto my path as a social worker like i have been thinking about but now isn't a good time. I just got a job that takes up all my free time. I love the job. (its only been two days on the day I write this)

           Rivier gave me freedom to be me and I didn't have to worry about what people thought as much as i do now. i cant be me and express who i love and who I don't so openly anymore because it could upset someone. I don't want to upset people but i don't want to hid myself either. Its time for me to join the real world and work my 9-6 job and make a living for myself, start a family and get on with life. I sure hope alanon can help me with any problem i have now because i lost the one person i could talk to about everything. Oh well Ill keep the Blog posted.

I went to a funeral today. It wasn't for anyone in my family. It was for a friends dad. The man who died had a drinking problem, which led to his death. This makes me want so badly to go and beg my own father to stop drinking. This man was sick for only a few days and then he passed on. I hope when my dad get sick (since he wont stop drinking) that it comes and goes just as fast. I want him to stop drinking but it wont stop his other behaviors. I want him to stop being so verbally violent. And for some reason i don't believe that him stopping drinking will help him stop being so mean. But I can only hope.

A New Beginning.

I would just like to start by saying sorry for not writing. I have been dealing with life as it comes. I am back that's all that matters. I have come to the part in my life where I part ways with textbooks and tests. I have one final left of my college journey. Its on Monday 5/2/11 and I'm done. :( I have learned so much with my stay at Rivier College. I have learned more about myself, and come to understand things about myself I never knew before. I wont go into that right now but believe i have a greater sense of "self"

I got a job today. I had an interview and a working interview a few days ago.. :) and got the call today. I have the job. I will be working just down the road from my house. Its so close i can walk there. I love that. I am now the lead teacher in the infant room.

I don't know much more to say right now. I just went though a really hard goodbye moment with someone dear to me. I will now call us friends now that the professional side of our relationship is over. No I probably wont ever hear from this person again (which saddens me) but I thank god for putting them into my life. She was given to me when I had given up on myself. She just listened and cared when i felt even my friends didn't. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be. Thank you A.

Screaming + Crying = My Life In A Nutshell

This one picture describes exactly how my house has been since Christmas. Yelling and crying. I cant take much more of both. I get yelled at for things I don't do. And I would feel to bad to do the things I'm getting yelled at for. My sister steels thing from me, and when something goes missing from her room she says i took it. I have to share the one computer in the house the doesn't have problems with the rest of the family, when I have given up two laptops so my family could still use the Internet. I have online classes. I am not giving up the computer. Its in my room and things go missing when people use it. I louse pills, money, and small peaces of my self the more I have to yell at people to leave my thing alone. My mom sleep on my floor because she doesn't have a bed. When  I am not home she is sleeping in my bed with her nasty dogs who need to be washed. My pillow smells like dog crap and I cant stand that she would let them on my bed. All the crap that is happening in this family makes me often thing about just ending it all. Just finding the perfect way of doing it is mostly what stops me. And that fact I'm in the best relationship I have ever been in. I lover her to death and couldn't do that to her.

The Ala-non stuff has not gone well. I have gotten a sponsor who looks at me like I'm a sad puppy. But she is very helpful. She cares and that's more than I have ever gotten from a stranger. We are working on step one. Thought that step would be easy.. but its not. I have to learn not to scream at people when something I don't like happens. I have so much trouble with that. I cant seem to just brush it off and let it go. Even when I'm done yelling I am still fuming. I have horrible urges to do bad thing to myself. I have pierced myself seven times due to anger and needing to release it. I feel almost pushed into do it again. I have my nose pierced (took two tries), my ears have three holes (took five tries). I have cut myself. Once I get one cut done my body goes numb and I cant Feel it anymore. Or not the way a normal person should feel pain. I felt nothing.    I did it two days ago.. Over thirty times. in the same small area. they are really small and don't look like much but it should have hurt more than it did but it didn't. I was on depression pills but couldn't afford to get the refilled. When my sister stole the money from Ala-non (which she clams she didn't) All my extra money went to paying back that money. I have not spent any money on myself in months. Poor Lindsay (my girlfriend) spends so much money on me. If she sees something she thinks I would like she gets it for me. She is the small thread that keeps me alive each day.

I'm hoping when I get to the store I can fill the prescription and I'll feel less likely to murder my family.           (I know I have violent thoughts but I don't see myself violent towards other people, just myself) I saw a counselor at school. She is also my savor. She listens and doesn't judge me at all.(or at least i cant see that she does) After twenty min. of talking to her yesterday she asked if I was on any medication. I said yes, depression. She asked if i was taking them. I said I would like to but I don't have the money. She goes, I can tell your depressed you need those pills back. I told her I know I do. The pills make me feel less violent. She suggested to walk.. When I feel upset to just walk. and walk like crazy. I want to I really do. I just am so stubborn that I cant even get myself too. I wanted to today. But never left the computer chair. I need help from god to get me motivated. God please help, your the only one who can..

THE HOLIDAY ARE HEAR :)

Hark how the bells, Sweet silver bells. and all that Fa la la alalalaaa ing. I love it. So far we have the tree up. (almost didn't put it up this year) And presents rapped (almost didn't have money to buy any) So this CChristmas season i alllllllllll about my nephew. He is two and is having his Christmas Thursday instead of Saturday. My friend is coming up with a ton of gifts for him and we are going to be Santa's elves this year. We are planning everything. My nephew is even going to put out brownies for Santa. When he is asleep my friend and i are going to put the presents under the tree. So he can wake up and have new toys. Its going to be soooo cute. I hope she remembers her camera... or she is dead.. i mean... :) Is it Thursday yet.. I'm sooooo excited.

Family

This is my family photo. There is three generation in this photo. Can you guess who had the child at an age where she so should have never had a child. Yep you guessed it the blond of the family. Well that same person was kicked out of our house like a month ago. It has been peaceful without her. No yelling, No drama, No stress. Well that same person got kicked out of her boyfriends house and is now moving back home. I want to protest this. Its unfair that she gets to do drugs in the house, party all night long, and then not even take care of her small child. What a life right. Now i get to hear all the yelling, deal with the drama, and try not to kill everyone for letting her back in the house. I cant believe they let her back. Mom things she has learned her lesson and deserves to come back home. I think otherwise. Last night he was talking about drugs and thing with a kid who is 16 she is 20. Whats wrong with her. Also he went out around 8pm and didnt come back until 2am. It was this very  behavior that got her kicked out in the first place. But mom feels she has learned. Well its almost 2pm the next day and she just got up. What a life. Not having to worry about anything but how much drama she can cause in the 6 hours she is awake. Wonder where she will go tonight.

Also the girl has gotten a letter from school saying if she cant come up with a good reason why she hasnt been going she is getting kicked out. Her answer was... well i didnt have a ride... She has two legs if she really wanted to go she could have walked its not that far from where she was living to the high school. I have a feeling she will be dropping out of GED classes along with High school alll together and mom is just gonna let her. I wanna smack them both sometimes. Why did mom let her get like this... and where in my sisters right mind does he think its ok to do whatever she wants now that she has a child. She reallllly needs to grow up. Ok im done ranting now... Oh and for the record i hate her and i want her to move out and never come back into the house. She can visit.. but thats it... no living.. i wish i owned the house.  

December 2010 at Camp Sunshine

Heading to Camp Sunshine today. A friend and mine are going for brain tumor week. We are doing the food service thing. :) get to make the food for all the people... ill post as the time goes by.


(Ok I lied so its been a week since camp... I forgot to post what I did at camp and what time it was when I did it. )

Since I didnt keep my promise i have to improvise what happened and when. I will post a video of the events at Camp Sunshine. No i didnt make the video, one of the people working for the camp did. But its pictures over everyone and everything that happened at camp. I did food service... so i basically put out the food people were going to eat... and put it on their plates... it was so much fun even though the job sounds dull.

Here is the video hope you like it. :) i did.

.... dear computer i hate you sometimes.. so it wouldn't let me post the one i was going to.. so i went to you-tube and found an even cuter video. So this video fallow around one little boy but you still get to see all the fun you get to have as a volunteer just by watching this video. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXAH1S3EvoM

Oh so the video is during the week i was there...Because i did food service i am not in any of the pictures in this video. But i was there when some of the pictures were taken.. :) i love this little boy thought i never talked to him. He was sooooo sweet. 

YUM... Turkey

So I really expected Thanksgiving to be horrible with tons of fighting. Well I have to admit i was wrong. Its 12:47 pm on thanksgiving day. We have not fought once. We have all gotten along today so far. I am excited for the turkey which should be done soon.. it smells soooooo goood. Dad fixed the Internet so not we all have Internet. I have a cord in my room, there is one in the living room right now but it isn't staying, and dad has a cord in his room.

 So far i have had some grapes and nuts. It was kind of funny. Dad brought me the bowl of nuts with a nut cracker. I was having trouble breaking open the first nut. So dad took the nut and tried to open it. I herd the sound of the nut opening, or what i thought it was. He ended up braking the nut cracker. hahaha. So now I'm using a monkey wrench to open my nuts. It works so much better than that nut cracker would have ever worked. You just have to adjust the wrench depending on what kind of nut your trying to open. I didn't realize this at first. I smashed a nut in to tini little peaces. One hit the sealing. The only flaw of using the wrench is that every now and again you punch your skin... i have done it twice now.

Dad has been drinking, but he is in a good mood. Right now he is dancing around the house listening to Emenem. He thinks he is cool... lol. He makes me laugh when he is in a good mood and drinking.

Well its 2:30 ish... We had our dinner. We all ate together in the living room watching Wendy Williams show. I ate so much turkey and potatoes and even a tun of gravy. I cant even eat another bite. I want pie but ill explode if i try to eat it. Hope all my friends have had as good as a thanksgiving as i did.

Well, now the everyone in the house has eaten. We are all taking naps. So good night blog. ZZZZZzzzzzz

 Its 8:16pm. Had dinner and pie. Pie was grose which makes me sad since i made it. Pumpkin. Well i was missing my nephew so i called my sisters boyfriend and asked if i could talk to devin. Well i got to talk for 3 mins if that and he hung up. Devin is two and really doesnt know any better. I was hoping my sister would call back so i could talk to him more but she didnt. So i guess thats all i get.

The days before a holiday- part thanksgiving.

      
     Thanksgiving is in two days. I have spent the last week over my friends house. Now I have to return home for the holiday. Its only going to be a dinner for three. I was hoping my friend could come to my house and enjoy the feast with me, but she isn't aloud to. I don't think she really wanted to be there anyway. I totally understand. Her grandfather is starting to have breathing problems and now has cancer. She is afraid he will not make it another year. He doesn't seem that sick but i understand her wanting to spend the holidays with him. I would feel awful if she came and visited me and he ended up not being there for the next year. Its life people die but we all need to hold onto the ones we love as much as we can. I just wish i had that much love for my extended family. The people in my family that I made a strong connection with have already died and are now living their lives in heaven.
       My sister has been kicked out of the house, so even if she intended to be at our house for Thanksgiving she isn't welcome. I want her there but it doesn't matter what i want. I miss the little girl she used to be. The child who loved playing with me and liked me around her, not the girl who steels my things and hates my guts. Not sure what i did to her, though if i could go back in time i would fix everything so we could be good siblings. I don't like fighting with her. I want my childhood back, I have waisted thousands of dollars trying to do something i think i lost my passion for anyway. I don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. I thought i wanted to be a teacher, but i don't know anymore.
      Back to Thanksgiving, I have to pick up the Thanksgiving basket from the school i attend today before 2 o'clock. I have no idea whats in it but i am thankful i get to have one. I cant wait until the turkey is cooked and its time to eat, but i worry about what that day will be like until the food is done. We fought a lot last year.
      I just wish for all my friends to be happy on their holidays. Its hard to be thankful for things when things at home are so messed up but, I'm doing my best. I'm thankful for my nephew, my girlfriend, my parents, the fact we live in a house, I'm thankful to be alive-though that's one I'm struggling with, I'm thankful for a whole lot even the little things.
      The mushroom picture at the top of the blog is just an example of how i feel while i write this. I feel really down today and i don't exactly know why. I was hoping writing would make me feel better but it really hasn't. I have a counselor at school i talk to once a week. I really wish i could go and talk to her now but i cant. I only see her on Thursdays and its a Tuesday today. I could really use her advice on how to deal with EVERYTHING. I really don't need her as much as i did when i first saw her, but i do fear how ill be dealing with things when school is over. I cant afford a payed counselor, and they wouldn't be the same. I wish i could pay her to see me. She just seems to understand so much more than i could have ever expected. :( oh well right.

bye phone, I'll miss you

       I have been having such great luck this week.  (as in last week. Meant to right this four days ago. ) I managed to have help getting money for school next semester. I got an OK on the fact I will be getting a thanksgiving basket from school. I have borrowed all the books I need to do a major project for one of my classes. I get to see the newest Harry Potter movie. I have been over Lindsay's house for a few days now. I get to spend my anniversary with the person i love the most. 

        With all this good there had to be small bad things. My mothers van died. Which is no big deal it can be fixed. but the biggest issue i have had was with all the drama mom has been starting. She is plastering all over facebook how much she is unhappy with her other daughter. i want her to stop. But i cant make her.

          My newest bad luck is the fact i smashed my $100 phone in a car door, twice before i noticed. I took my phone out at an Alanon meeting and noticed i had smashed the screen. I cant read or send texts. I can answer a phone call but i cant call anyone. i tried hard but a tear had ran down my cheek even though i was in public. No one noticed... thank god. I sit here blogging and not listening to what the meetings speaker is saying. I wanna cry so bad... Bye phone I'll miss you...