life as it is right now

I haven't written in a really long time and I'm sorry for that, :(. I hope to more. I live in Manchester NH now, and no longer live with my parents. They were officially divorced June 29th, it was a quick process. Mom has moved to NY with her boyfriend Chris, she left the day before hurricane Sandy hit. So that's about October 24th. Shes happy so I guess I should be happy for her too. Chris is a good guy and all, I just don't like what he represents. It's hard to explain. :/ He is wonderfully nice to my mother, which is good because I would kill him if he wasn't. :) Dad still lives in the house in Raymond, but everyone else had to part ways. My sister lives in Raymond but with a friend and Devin (my nephew) lives with her too.  I live with my GF... Wish that wasn't hard to say. And my pup Abby D.

We (Lindsay and I) had our first holiday together in the apaprmtent. :) HALLOWEEN :). well it sucked. We had four kids total show up. One group of three (three zombies and a parent) and one group of one (one elmo and two adults). After the first hour we gave up and went in the apartment. No one else came.

Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, not sure what I'm/we are doing. Dad said he wasnt cooking anything but then said he might, Lindsay goes to her uncles house for a few hours most thanksgivings, and we have been invited to a alanon members house for thanksgiving. No idea what I/we are going to do.

I have a funeral to go to on  Tuesday and a wake on Monday. My Great aunt passed away on Thursday the 8th of stomach cancer. She was at the Hospice house in Havorhil MA. I visited her a few days before she passed. I just stood there and stared at her sleeping in her bed. I said nothing at all, just looked at her. Someone told her I was there so I guess it's better than she never knowing I was there.

Well I work two jobs now.. that's seven days a week. IT SUCKS. I have today off and I cant seem to distract myself enough to be entertained. It's really sad that I don't like my own company. SO, I'm watching TV, cooking soup,and writing a blog. And yet I am board.!

divorce proceedings part 4

Ok so I was wrong about the snow.. =( oh well its pretty. I have over a foot of snow in mu driveway.

So I have been so excited to have dad come home so I could make dinner tonight. =) BLTs. Yum. We very rarely get to have this yummy dinner. Well he came home. And now I wish I just stayed in my room instead of eagerly running to the kitchen to see him

He askehowle the roads were.
.. He should know he was just driving. And then he asked what is stopping mom from continuing the divorce process. I said i dont know i never asked. He said you know more than what your saying your on cahoots with her. Thats when i could feel my face get hot. I said, louder than my talking voice but lower than my yelling voice, why ask me a question if you think the answer is a lie. then he said they have an appointment with h&r block tomorrow. once money comes in he is getting the process going.

I said nothing after that. I hate how he gets to me. But before I even finished writing this he walks in and hands me a huge bag of rejected lint truffles. Its as if he knows I'm upset so he gives you something instead of just saying sorry.. It used to be money lol.

My chest hurts and I feel very... I don't know uneasy I guess.. I wanna run away but even if I did where would I go.. =( well I'm off to make food unhappily. My family id falling apart and I have no way of gluing it back together.. =( or even anyone to talk to about it... :'(

Wishing for a snow day :)

*******************************************************************************
Like there is even going to be that much snow that this (picture) is going to be needed. Its barley snowing. WELL its is starting to pick up. But ALL The other times the news said it was going to snow it never did. I am secretly hoping for no work tomorrow but for that to happen it would have to snow so hard that the power goes out.. or pipes freeze or the heat breaks. Which wont happen but oh well.. :) girl can dream.

Work today was quick. Only worked a few hours and then met a friend at my old college. I got the lucky chance to talk to an old... friend i guess i could say. :) 20 min. was not long enough to catch up on life but i manage to spill my guts. wow mind ninja... :P well... i Have an hour drive tonight so i hope the snow doesn't collect to bad to quickly. I miss the feeling of saying whatever comes to my mind and not feeling that i have to be afraid of what will come next. Sometimes difficult questions follow but at least once I leave that room, whatever was said stays there. I really need to find someone like that out in the real world. Thought they will never be the same.

I try hard to deal with life myself but sometimes its nice to talk to someone who just listens and unless you grant them to say nothing. I miss those days. I'm more willing to work on me now than i was before and i waisted all that time avoiding helping myself. :(

Oh and back to the snow **** snow snow**** snow some more*** don't you stop*** until tomorrow***



also mom is planning to go visit her boyfriend again... this time taking a plain. She has never flown and is going to for a man she barley knows.. If i asked her to she wouldn't have ever gone.. its kind of sad. Also i don't get to see her for her birthday because she will be with HIM!!!!!

:-(

I had such a good day today until something happened at work. And since this is open for the public to read I can't even say what happened. Over all it was a huge misunderstanding and will blow over. But not until its brought up again tomorrow and ill have to explain myself and who knows if I'll be herd. I do my best to help out others. Today I offered to change a poop from a kid that's not part of my room and I try to help others but I feel it's being waisted. I'll try my best to keep my mouth shut and avoid arguments and hope tomorrow is a better day. :'( But it's doughtful. I wanna cry. I'm doomed tomorrow. The worst part of tomorrow is going to be talked to for something that was a misunderstanding by both parties. If I'm lucky nothing will be mentioned but I'm not lucky.

moms second road trip (2/18/12-2/21/12) part two.

Mom called yesterday with the news that she isn't coming back until tomorrow. I guess the ferry she took into New York doesn't run today (Monday 20th) because its presidents day. Oh well. I decided to surprise mom. She has been gone and i have been cleaning the downstairs part of our house like crazy. Dad said to me today, "when you going to be done cleaning?" I'm just happy he noticed. :) I had help from a good friend, she payed for the mop and helped clean the kitchen. We were walking thought walmart and I decided I wanted to buy a mop. After that, I ended up spending $50 on cleaning supplies. At about 6 o'clock today (pm) I finished cleaning the downstairs. OOOOOOPPS I forgot about the bathroom. OK once that is cleaned im done.

Dad had been a pain most of the time yesterday and the day before that, but has been nice today. He drove me to work twice. (once for the beginning of the day and once for my return from break) He made my favorite meal for lunch yesterday. I think that was his way of saying sorry. I wish I had ways of saying sorry to him without spitting out the five letter word. He was looking for wood for his wood stove yesterday, i searched craigslist until i found him an add i thought he would like. He told me to email the guy. I did and the guy called about 2 hours later. :) hope that counts as my sorry. But, i really wish i could just apologize when i really need to.

The thing that makes me sad about my house is that there was so much dirt stuck onto the floor, that there is now spots of dark. these spots of dirt wouldn't come off. Those spots need more attention that i felt like giving them so i left the spots but cleaned up most of the mess on all the floors. I almost feel like the floor looked better covered in brown dirt so the spots didn't show. I would start the dishes but i don't know how, and i would suck it up and do laundry but our washer broke so that's not happening. 

moms second road trip (2/18/12-2/21/12)

Mom left this morning for her road trip to New York. She didn't say bye before she left. She also didn't text me to tell me she had made it to the ferry. If I were on the trip and she was still at home she would have wanted me to text her. Guess she doesn't stand up to her own standards. Its really no big deal I just texted her and asked if she made it safe. She had only gotten to the Ferry. Once on the boat she had to wait about an hour to reach New York. Well shes there now and who knows what shes doing. She hasn't been talking through text. I'm guessing I wont hear from her the whole time shes gone.

Well dad came home and herd someone in the living room. He thought it was mom because the car was gone. Well he saw it was me and started asking questions. He asked where mom was. I said out. He asked when she coming back I said I didn't know. I wasn't lying I don't know when shes coming back. could be Sunday or Monday. He left the house and went outside. Maybe five minuets went by and he came back and asked if she was gone for the weekend. I said yes. That's when she started yelling at me. He said I should have just said that in the first place. But I A. don't feel its his business B. I shouldn't be the one telling where his wife is. C. he didn't ask the question that would have gotten him the answers he was seeking. He asked if i knew when she was coming back i said no. he didn't say could you guess as to how long she will be gone. Or even ask how long will she be gone.

Then he left the house again and stayed gone for about an hour. He came in and asked if my friend was coming over this weekend. I said i didn't know and he then asked if i wanted to go to breakfast with him and his friend. I didn't answer that question because his friend is hard to be around. I said by the way I have a tax appointment at 12 tomorrow and no car to get there. He said well what are you going to do. I said nicely beg you to let me use your car. He said no way. Than told me i was dumb for making the appointment when mom had the car. He never once offered to take me so i wouldn't have to borrow his car. he just left the house again. I cant win with that man.

I wanted to run away and not be here this weekend but i told myself i need to grow up and deal with dad because one day he isn't going to be around.  He makes it hard to love him. I know its not him its the alcohol but i mean its hard to see the man behind the illness. I want to love him, hes my dad but sometimes I'd rather just hate him. Now its dinner time. I am wondering if i would cook something or wait for dad to be hungry. I dont want to set him off again but I dont want to wait for him to come in again. I'd rather eat and run away to my room. He makes me want to cry and do all the bad things i used to do when i couldnt deal with my emotions. I cant go back to those days. I wont. sometimes i wonder if he knows what he does to the people he talks to. :( he probably has no idea and never will with the way hes been drinking. He is lousing the battle and its killing me to watch. 

divorce proceedings 3

Tomorrow at about 8 am my mom starts her second trip to CT. She's meeting her boyfriend at the ferry in Connecticut and taking the boat over with the car to New York. I am going to miss her this weekend. Dad doesn't know she is leaving and will be quite mad when he finds out.

Well moms a big girl so she can do as she pleases. I met the man once he was very nice and funny, but there's some things I don't like. But that's just me. I wish them a happy valentines day and a safe trip with my car.

Sarah moved out and the stress level has been low. Its kind of nice but it's not going to last. I still miss that little kid. He has visited once since he left. It was so much fun having him for the afternoon.

The animal situation has escalated, dad wants to start getting rid of some of the animals. Katie is the first to go. She's our black cat. .  .    =( She's getting in the way and she steels food right off your plate if your not quick enough to notice. Dads having her put down, which I feel is wrong. She's old and annoying but doesn't need to be killed for it =( but not my say. Dads doing what's best for the divorce situation.

Well guess that's all for news on the divorce.

divorce proceedings 2

My nephew moved out!!!!! he moved out with his mom two days ago. At first I was sooo sad.. Cryed for hours. I knew he would leave on day but I guess I wasn't ready. His cloths are gone, his toys are gone, his messes are gone, and my mom seems to be happy. She's getting things done around the house, and doesn't just play on the computer. Shea talking about fixing up the house  =). I'm sad devins not around, and ill miss his mom too.

So I'm still doing the alanon thing. I am surprised considering I don't ever stick to anything. I love the people. I try to pay attention at meetings but somethings are lost on me. I have/had a sponcer. I don't know right now. I have a good souled person who is helping me through the first three steps then I'm on my own. She's going to help me find a sponcer, I'm so blessed to have ever met her. I should say I'm so blessed I met the original person who sent me to alanon
 I originally went to the first meeting to prove I didn't need it. I thought I was right when the first meeting ended, but at the beginning of the meeting it said something about going to six meetings before you decide if alanon is for you. So I felt if I want to be completely right I will go to six. The third meeting was a doozy. I had no idea what I Hurd but I knew I belonged and I had only proven to myself I had problems and these strangers were going to help me fox them. My issues have lessened bit with each passing month I find more to work on, not they I know exactly hotoyo work on it yet.

Ok the point i was making was that i was told to write down what I'm thinking and or feeling when i feel burdened with lifes events, that's what I'm doing in this and more to follow blogs =)

So back to the Devon thing, my family gave up so much for that little boy when he entered this world unexspectidly, its going to be nice beeing free again. My parents are getting a divorce still that doesn't seem to change. Its sad but maybe when the process is over i won't be so sad all the time. I'll be able to cope with. Lifes sadness instead of expecting the unexpected. Divorce is sad but freeea everyone
 yes I'll be finachally screwed, but hey i am now. My dad will be free to drink as he pleases and won't have to worry about us being upset with that. Mom can date her NY boyfriend and not worry about dad disconecting the lights or internet. If I'm lucky I'll be able to live with my girl and not be sad about not seeing her... But we fight... All the time.. Its sad really. Moving in will eather force us to work things out or split is up. I am hoping for option one and dreading option two.

I have a hard time expressing emotions in writing and in person depending on said emotion. I can easily show anger, which isn't good at all. Loves easy too, but sadness or other important emotions are lost to the wind. Most of the time i can't put a finger on what's upsetting me or what feeling i am currently feeling. I hope to work on that through the steps of the program but who knows.. HP HELP!!!

divorce proceedings 1

My home life has reached an all new high... Or low.. Depending on opinion.

My sister moves out tomorrow by request of my mother. Sarah has been mouthy alot more lately than before so my mom gave her till the end of January to find an apartment and move out.... Well tomorrow she takes her son and moves in to an apartment. I'm excited for her but I have heave sadness about the whole thing... I don't want her to leave even though she's mean. Its just how things are. Onces she's gone lifes different. I won't wake every morning to Devin playing to loudly with his toys. I'm gonna miss that kid. Now when something's gone missing I can't blame my sister for steeling it.. Ok in all honisty. I am gonna miss the two of them. Have only mom to talk to. And she is to caught up in her fake life on facebook. I miss the mom I had before she played that stupid game.

my parents fought today about house payments, car payment, apartments, and just alot of stuff. Dad wants to keep it fair but mom seems to want more than her share, which is going to make this a dirty divorce. I was hoping that they would sit down and split stuff fairly. But I guess I'm still thinking like a kid.

I constantly want to cry and some nights that's all I can do to get the anxiety monster to leave me alone and stop ripping the hole inside my heart larger with every anxiety visit. What town do I move to. What job will I have. Who do I know that will help me. How will I pay for loans and an apartment.. And food... And car payments and gas.. I just wanna scream thinking about it. I do lift this up to my hp

 bit if he doesn't hurry up I don't know what I'll do. Also I have three cats,two dogs, and a bunny, where will they live..  :'( I can't do this
I have a hard time telling anyone about how hard of a time I'm having, when I try to people just say life will be life... I don't know how to deal with this and I'm worried that if I don't start dealing its gonna seep out somehow..

2011 is almost over

so life is much tougher now than before but I am unsure as to what I talked about last time so im going through all my blogs while i write this to tie up loose ends. :)

1/12/11 - wow how sad. Life is still rough like that but its much easier to handle/deal with. Mom has a new bed that is set up downstairs. She doesn't use her floor bed much anymore. And mom doesnt let the dogs on my bed anymore. I dont get blamed for things as much anymore but if something goes missing I must have taken it. If things are going missing from my room I dont notice it. :)


About the sponcer thing.. I think I am in sure of someone else.. it was hard to reach out to someone the first time. I have a loving family now.. and I dont mean the one I was born with. If I could ever I would thank the stubborn lady who sent me there in the first place. THANK YOU, YOU GAVE ME HOPE. Anyway I am not on any step at the moment.. I made it to about three and gave up. I was just not in the right place to keep going. But today I did pick up literature and started reading. Sadly the books meant nothing to me at this time but I'm still trying.

Haven't caused any bodily harm to myself in a long time.. I cant even remember the last time.. I cant say I don't think about it from time to time but I haven't done it. Wonder if it counts. lol

Lindsay is still my best friend (girlfriend) and still spends all her money on me.. I have loans to pay off so I try not to spend a dime if I don't have too. I started returning cans to make extra money, made about $12 so far.

Not on those pills dont need them. I am able to manage (or dont feel depressed) without the pills. :)

4/27/11
Hahahaha  my current job. I still work at that child center. Its a wonderful place to work. Sometimes I feel like I'm clashing with the people who work there and other days I would do anything to keep my job. I love the children they make my job special. I have five children in my classroom, two who are ready to move up and will be missed

At the end of this post I talk about a woman I will forever call a friend. Well I really hoped we would keep in touch. We didnt. I can stalk her on her blog if I wanted to but I dont. I miss her everyday and dont know why. I have thought about finding new counselors but its not the same. That lady could make me laugh on days I couldnt think it was possible. She helped me though things even when I was unable to notice that what she was saying would help later on when I really needed them. Every Tuesday I hear about something she did or said from a friend who still sees them and it just hurts. Its been.. um.. seven months since I last saw her in a session. dude get over it. but I seem not to. Wonder why I hope for more. Lame

4/27/11
Dad still is drinking but not as verbally irritating.

4/30/11 nothing to add

5/1/11
Alanon people really do understand much more than other people, but I can still talk to friends. They try to understand but fall short. that's not their faults.

and the drinking has caused my family to split up.. well soon to split up. mom is getting the papers, Sarah and Devin have filed papers for an apartment. (I'm gonna miss that little brat), Mom and I have no place to go just yet. And that bothers me but I cant deal with that right now.

5/3/11
I still have those strong feelings of unsureness. I don't like it one bit but I just have to take one day as it comes and hope nothing to bad happens. 

AHAHAHA every other thursday I sneak into the building the school nurse works in, so I didnt have to give her up. I still get to see her and she helps me feel better about life.. sometimes I should say. Sometimes she says things that make my life sound worse than it is. Then I leave there wondering if I'm seeing it wright or did I explain it wrong. But I'm really thankful to have her still. Thought she said she wants to move to Florida.. My heart sank and I wanted to cry.

5/8/11

My alanon family came to my ceremony. I had more people there than I expected. I asked one person and four people showed up. Yay!! They showed up as a surprise. They all knew they were going but no one said a thing to me. :) Love them.

5/17/11
The yelling still happens about dumb things. But I feel less obligated to save sarah from my mom.

5/30/11 & 6/5/11
My room is a mess again.. The room won..

6/6/11  lol

6/19/11 nothing to add

6/24/11 nothing to add

7/13/11 shiny... cant wait till the next time I get to see fireworks.

7/16/11

The fight about having children is never ending. She wants some I want none.. Somewhere down the line one of us will have to give in. please not me please not me please not me.

7/20/11
They still drink and do dumb things wile drunk. Thanksgiving this year the boyfriend decided to smash a window with his head. He was removed from the house by the cops. yesterday was the court date to make it so the boy and my sister were able to see each other. The police thought they were helping by putting a restraining order on the boy. Sarah had it lifted and now they are filing papers to get an apartment. Ill be lousing my nephew soon but I don't know when. I always knew the baby would leave but I just cant imagine it.

8/3/11
Divorce has been the topic in my house for months.. its really getting old. Its Going to happen but no one is moving tword making it happen soon. I didnt expect tears when I read this blog.. but it haappens to have lots of emotions that I have yet to understand.

9/2/11
I got no place with the forth step. But I have changed how I speak to my HP.

9/2/11
Dad sold a lot of stuff.. but he bought a car with it. he figured his credit was still good and he needs a car after the split, so he got one. I dont blame him. Also dad decided we can keep the car but he isnt going to give us payments. He will keep paying the car off as long as mom doesnt try to go after him for money.

The next blog leads into my current situation. situations I end this here... Rote this in December and posting it the last day of January.. Lol