Girl vs Room.

I am attempting to clean my room of doom.

 (3-7pm)
This is my bed. covered in all the stuff that was on my vanity thing, that I use as a table/shelf. Lots of things on this bed. A graduation gift, a book from a friend, a bunch of art stuff, vitamin water, and not so much bed. 

This is a picture of directly next to the bed.  I started grouping the things in my room as trash and things I want. The things in these bags were on the bed but I have moved them to things I want. Hoping that once I have everything split I can organize and throw out things I don't need.

This is a picture of the rest of my room. If that's what you can call it. I have yet to move in from my time at Hesser, now that Rivier is over I either need to organize things to move in all the way or move out. Working on in.. lol out can come later.

It looks as thought its a huge pile of mess but it is a small layer of unwanted stuff in my room.. And if you look in the corner there be a bunny. She is cleaned and fed often but it sure doesn't look like it. Hadn't realized how much my depressive-ness in the past few years had led to me not caring how/or what i live in/like. I feel better than I did the whole time I attended college. I used to be on medication for it. But one day decided they don't fix the problem just make it hide until its ready to come back and destroy your life at a later time. So i stopped the medication to deal with it now that i dint have the stresses of school to worry about. I had been doing wonderfully until the past few days (will be continued later in another post about Devin moving out and probably never coming back)

I hope to later on post pictures of what the room looks like in a few hours.. 

I have so far gotten a huge bruise on my leg from miss calculating a step and scraping my leg on something pointy.. i have a bruised hand(causing it hard to type.) because of a miss hap with a window and an ac. I was trying to put the AC in my room ALL BY MYSELF, proving to my mom I don't need a man to help me do things. (my sisters boyfriend helped her put hers in her own window.) I said I don't need a man for anything except fixing my car. ;) Well I guess this year I should have waited for Lindsay to help me do the AC. I needed three hands and attempted to put the AC in the window without a third hand. I was using my head to hold the window open while the hands were moving a piece of wood and the AC in place. I fumbled and moved the wood the wrong way and couldn't see how to fix it so i moved my head to look. You guessed it. the window slammed shut. Well my hand was there and i had no idea. SMASH. I wanted to cry at first. My hand tingled from hitting the nerves, then it started to burn. Thought i might have broken something I didn't move. I just stood there staring at my hand wedged between the AC and the window. Well I eventually moved my and out of the window leaving the AC in the perfect position for the rest of the summer. I went down stairs and put ice on my hand and just watched TV to distract me from the pain. Its fine now.. Hurts a little when I type but nothings is broken. Just a straight bruise that runs along the top of my hand. I have a long way before my room is done I'm sure to hurt myself more. I am so klutzy. :) but its what I am so I don't mind to much..

MAKE IT STOP... please

A lot has happened since the last post...

-I built a garden with dad ( when it stops raining I will put the seeds in the ground.. )
-Moms birthday/mothers day present came in the mail ( a mothers necklace with five stones.. one or everyone in the family.. )
- I had the Undergraduate Hooding
- I graduated


..... and yet nothing has changed.. Mom is downstairs right now yelling at my sister for using to much milk. (which to me is no big deal since she is planning on reusing the milk to have a second bowl of cereal)... and also yelling about the fact the computer isnt working. She says its because of a document sarah downloaded for her job. (sarah asked if she could download it and mom said yes. she didnt know it was going to screw the computer up. not her fault she should not be yelled at for it. mom needs to grow the f up.) I want so badly to go downstairs and tell mom how dumb she is acting.. oh and yesterday she yelled at dad for unplugging the Internet. He has done it a few times but didnt do it yesterday because when it stopped working he was asleep. On our computers there are two computers that show up to show you are connected. We had that picture but the globe was missing that shows up in front of the two computers. This globe shows you that you have Internet. We were connected but didnt have a connection. Yeah its complicated. My point is that if he had unplugged said cord that picture would have been of two computers with a red X across it. That was NOT the picture. There for, mom was a being a raging idiot yesterday and its leading into today too.. I cant deal with this much longer. I want to move out and leave her hear.. but i dont have a car.. so unless the place i move to is in town.. i am out of luck..


... Thats my rant for today.. thanks for listening.. And please make the yelling stop. :(

:(

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR A COMPLETE LOSER?

I HAVE FOUR FREAKING TICKETS TO A HOODING FOR SCHOOL GRADUATION. Something important to me. AND I DON'T HAVE FOUR PEOPLE I COULD INVITE TO IT.

I wish I was one of those people who didn't have enough tickets.. no instead I am a loser who has an extra ticket. And the person I would invite to the event doesn't even know I would love them to go. I have no way of contacting them. They can contact me but probably wont. :( sometimes i wish things were different and that i had just left school without graduating.. I wouldn't have this problem. Four tickets and I cant even think of four people to go.. who lame.. oh and I asked dad to go to graduation.. and he said he would rather get things done around the house. He did say thanks for asking before he said he is busy.. :( My own father wont go.. :( Five years of school is coming to an abrupt end Saturday and I am feeling worthless and not successful. I feel so lonely and forgotten. This sucks.

internal fight due to external events :(

I have no picture for this blog section.

I am not even sure what to name it.

I have not been doing so well since school is no longer my life. I feel scared of what is gonna happen next and confused as to what I should be doing now to take life to the fullest.

I want to cry all the time, I try not to cry because then I feel I have lost some inner battle, that I am not even fighting. I feel that my body is upset, but i don't want to be. I want to be OK. I feel so stressed and just uncomfortable in my skin.

I have not had the chance nor will I have the chance to say bye to my college friends. :( I got a job, which I was excited for, but now I cant see anyone while the days of college dwindle down to nothingness. I used to talk to the night nurse at school because she understood me some. I mean she would ask questions and I would answer them and she would tell me what she thought. It was a nice relationship we HAD. I didn't get to say bye to her either. I had a person at school I told everything too, hopes, dreams, fears, everything except how I was feeling coming to the end of school. I avoided the subject. I don't know why. Maybe not to cry in front of them. Which I did anyway the last day I will ever see them. I had teared up in their office before but never had I done it that bad. I hid behind a pillow so I could wipe away the tears. When I just wanted so bad to burst at the seams and bawl. As I walked out the door of her office she joked and said OK you can cry now. I giggle turned my head and did just that all the way to the car. I passed someone walking who looked at me. that's when i took to running to the car so I couldn't be seen. I cried for the entire ride home after that visit.  And I live an hour away from where they are. I drove slow to extend the only time I feel safe to cry. No one can see me and no one is going to bother me, except maybe a police officer. I feel like my best friend has died. She understood. And didn't judge like so many of my friends do. She WAS a good friend who I have to learn to not have anymore. :(

I want to go back to the first day college started and do it all over again. But since i cant I'm gonna have to learn to except the things i didn't do. I am just not ready yet.

and to top it all of.. the last time someone/or me was/were over with college there was a huge messy breakup. where my heart was ripped out of my chest still beating, smashed onto the group and stopped on until my heart stopped moving. Then it was put back in my chest for me to try and heal it. Its never been the same but at least it stops aching for THAT person. It has moved on to an even better, more wonderful person who i just ador. I cant live without them (I'm sure i could but i don't want to ever imagine doing so) they are who i want to be with in life. (for now because you never know what will/might happen.) The problem is that this person I'm so happy to be with let slip that they only started dating me (at first) to help me get over the break up i just had. I was devastated to hear this. She then continued with "I'm glad I started dating you because your my world" which means she is here to say... or does it.. I fear what might happen because it has happened before. yes with other people, yes at a different point in my life, and yes I'm negative and always see the bad side of things, but it has happened before, it can happen again. Cant it? Will it? I will be so upset. The last breakup tor me apart. it took parts of me away and i will never... i repeat NEVER see them again. and if this one ends just as badly, where my best friend isn't my friend again, and i have NO one to talk to... i don't know what will happen.

Should i mention that I'm graduating in 11 days. And the person I'm dating is not. She was supposed to but fate decide otherwise.. she will be repeating this year and Will graduate next year. Ill be there for her, like she is going to be there for me. (i hope)

That's really all i can cling to is HOPE that god has a better path for me in life than sitting at home after work ranting on a blog about how much i hate my life. But through out this all.. i need to lift this up and hope my higher-power can save me from myself... {bad negative thoughts about every situation.. it would be nice to see the good in this.. i mean i am done school. I am getting my BA.. whats so wrong with that.. why do i have to be soooo emotional about everything. I feel broken :( }


LAS: I hope this blog doesn't cause issues between us. You are my world and a piece of me will always love you no matter what happens. <3 u luv bug.

Cans and Bottles :(

This is a picture of what our recycling bin looks like after one day of Sarah partying. :( That's a lot of drinks for a small amount of people to consume during one night.

My dad came into my room today to talk to me. He invaded my space, he usually just calls my name and I get up and go to him. I don't want him in my room. He was so drunk that he almost fell in my door way and i couldn't do anything but pretend i was listening to what he was saying. He was telling me that he made the cake for moms birthday. It makes me sad that he drinks so much, but today was a happy drunk so ill take it any day over the angry sober/drunken dad.

Seeing how this disease has torn this family part hurts so much more than I can explain to the common person. The only people who truly understand are my alanon people. But I don't get to see them much. Just once a week.