Thursday, November 25, 2010

YUM... Turkey






So I really expected Thanksgiving to be horrible with tons of fighting. Well I have to admit i was wrong. Its 12:47 pm on thanksgiving day. We have not fought once. We have all gotten along today so far. I am excited for the turkey which should be done soon.. it smells soooooo goood. Dad fixed the Internet so not we all have Internet. I have a cord in my room, there is one in the living room right now but it isn't staying, and dad has a cord in his room.

 So far i have had some grapes and nuts. It was kind of funny. Dad brought me the bowl of nuts with a nut cracker. I was having trouble breaking open the first nut. So dad took the nut and tried to open it. I herd the sound of the nut opening, or what i thought it was. He ended up braking the nut cracker. hahaha. So now I'm using a monkey wrench to open my nuts. It works so much better than that nut cracker would have ever worked. You just have to adjust the wrench depending on what kind of nut your trying to open. I didn't realize this at first. I smashed a nut in to tini little peaces. One hit the sealing. The only flaw of using the wrench is that every now and again you punch your skin... i have done it twice now.

Dad has been drinking, but he is in a good mood. Right now he is dancing around the house listening to Emenem. He thinks he is cool... lol. He makes me laugh when he is in a good mood and drinking.

Well its 2:30 ish... We had our dinner. We all ate together in the living room watching Wendy Williams show. I ate so much turkey and potatoes and even a tun of gravy. I cant even eat another bite. I want pie but ill explode if i try to eat it. Hope all my friends have had as good as a thanksgiving as i did.

Well, now the everyone in the house has eaten. We are all taking naps. So good night blog. ZZZZZzzzzzz

 Its 8:16pm. Had dinner and pie. Pie was grose which makes me sad since i made it. Pumpkin. Well i was missing my nephew so i called my sisters boyfriend and asked if i could talk to devin. Well i got to talk for 3 mins if that and he hung up. Devin is two and really doesnt know any better. I was hoping my sister would call back so i could talk to him more but she didnt. So i guess thats all i get.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The days before a holiday- part thanksgiving.

      
     Thanksgiving is in two days. I have spent the last week over my friends house. Now I have to return home for the holiday. Its only going to be a dinner for three. I was hoping my friend could come to my house and enjoy the feast with me, but she isn't aloud to. I don't think she really wanted to be there anyway. I totally understand. Her grandfather is starting to have breathing problems and now has cancer. She is afraid he will not make it another year. He doesn't seem that sick but i understand her wanting to spend the holidays with him. I would feel awful if she came and visited me and he ended up not being there for the next year. Its life people die but we all need to hold onto the ones we love as much as we can. I just wish i had that much love for my extended family. The people in my family that I made a strong connection with have already died and are now living their lives in heaven.
       My sister has been kicked out of the house, so even if she intended to be at our house for Thanksgiving she isn't welcome. I want her there but it doesn't matter what i want. I miss the little girl she used to be. The child who loved playing with me and liked me around her, not the girl who steels my things and hates my guts. Not sure what i did to her, though if i could go back in time i would fix everything so we could be good siblings. I don't like fighting with her. I want my childhood back, I have waisted thousands of dollars trying to do something i think i lost my passion for anyway. I don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. I thought i wanted to be a teacher, but i don't know anymore.
      Back to Thanksgiving, I have to pick up the Thanksgiving basket from the school i attend today before 2 o'clock. I have no idea whats in it but i am thankful i get to have one. I cant wait until the turkey is cooked and its time to eat, but i worry about what that day will be like until the food is done. We fought a lot last year.
      I just wish for all my friends to be happy on their holidays. Its hard to be thankful for things when things at home are so messed up but, I'm doing my best. I'm thankful for my nephew, my girlfriend, my parents, the fact we live in a house, I'm thankful to be alive-though that's one I'm struggling with, I'm thankful for a whole lot even the little things.
      The mushroom picture at the top of the blog is just an example of how i feel while i write this. I feel really down today and i don't exactly know why. I was hoping writing would make me feel better but it really hasn't. I have a counselor at school i talk to once a week. I really wish i could go and talk to her now but i cant. I only see her on Thursdays and its a Tuesday today. I could really use her advice on how to deal with EVERYTHING. I really don't need her as much as i did when i first saw her, but i do fear how ill be dealing with things when school is over. I cant afford a payed counselor, and they wouldn't be the same. I wish i could pay her to see me. She just seems to understand so much more than i could have ever expected. :( oh well right.

Monday, November 22, 2010

bye phone, I'll miss you


       I have been having such great luck this week.  (as in last week. Meant to right this four days ago. ) I managed to have help getting money for school next semester. I got an OK on the fact I will be getting a thanksgiving basket from school. I have borrowed all the books I need to do a major project for one of my classes. I get to see the newest Harry Potter movie. I have been over Lindsay's house for a few days now. I get to spend my anniversary with the person i love the most. 
        With all this good there had to be small bad things. My mothers van died. Which is no big deal it can be fixed. but the biggest issue i have had was with all the drama mom has been starting. She is plastering all over facebook how much she is unhappy with her other daughter. i want her to stop. But i cant make her.
          My newest bad luck is the fact i smashed my $100 phone in a car door, twice before i noticed. I took my phone out at an Alanon meeting and noticed i had smashed the screen. I cant read or send texts. I can answer a phone call but i cant call anyone. i tried hard but a tear had ran down my cheek even though i was in public. No one noticed... thank god. I sit here blogging and not listening to what the meetings speaker is saying. I wanna cry so bad... Bye phone I'll miss you... 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Oh van why did you have to die so soon... Get better soon






This picture was my reality this morning. Though i admit i didn't take this photo. I found it on Google. Dad drove his white truck and did take moms van away on a contraption almost like the one in the photo.

I was driving home yesterday from school. I was heading to a friends house when the van i was driving made a strange pop feeling. I started to panic. I didn't know what it was or why the van had made that jolting feeling, so i called mom. While i was talking to mom the van started to do some strange things. Such as, it didn't like going up hills, accelerate, or even start moving once at a full stop. Mom told me to get the van to where i was heading and to call her back. Well i ended up screaming things at the van like "Do you want to go to the junk yard, because if you don't start driving that's where your going." Well for some reason the van must have herd me. The van drove the rest of the way home just fine.

I called mom when i got to the friends house. She told dad what had happen with the van. Dad started freaking out. He was screaming things like "to much mileages, not getting a new van, i know this would happen, its all my fault (as in me not him), and now he needs to tow it" I had my friends dad check out the van. He scanned the van with a thingy that tells you everything that is going wrong with the vehicle. Well, just my luck threeeeeeeeeeee eeeerrrrroooorrrrrssss... why couldn't it just be one.. or even none. but noooo threeeeeeee... so not fair.

Well i told dad about the codes and he freaked out more. He ended up coming to my friends house and towing the van away. He used something that was way to small to tow the van away on but did it anyway. Well dad didn't yell at me in person when he was outside taking the van away. So i know he will save it for when i return home this weekend. Ugh not looking forward to that. Wonder how long i can hide from him. Not long he knows where i sleep... gerrr.

Well dad is fixing the van. He is replacing four sensors instead of the three that are faulty just in case the last one brakes. Well i hope this fixes that van or I'm screwed and will have no way to get to school. Other than staying over my friends house. but there is just so many days i can sleep on the couch. Though i am very thankful that her mom said i could stay as long as i need.

Monday, November 15, 2010

cornocrapia :)


This is a picture I drew when I was board. I like the way it came out even thought its a bad drawing :) 
 
I am not into the holidays anymore, as in they are not enjoyable anymore. I used to look forward to the holidays when i was younger. But now that I'm in my twenties I don't  like pretending that our family of 5 care enough about each other to pretend to get along long enough to get through the day with little to no fighting. My house is not a place to be when its a holiday. We tend to fight more because we all gave up on trying to get along.

Last Thanksgiving, was so sad. There was no fighting, however we didnt eat together like a family. We didnt even try. Well dad wakes early in the morning to get the turkey in the oven. He stuffs it and puts it into the oven and goes back to bed. After a couple hours of sleeping he wakes again to check on the turkey. When the rest of us wake up we would help by making the veggies and the other foods that go along with Thanksgiving. I know Thanksgiving isnt about the food, its about being thankful for the things you have. But when your family is arguing and fighting with eachother there really isnt much to be thankful for. I end up wishing i was someone where else for the holidays. 

This year we are even more poor than last year. I'm getting one of those Thanksgiving baskets they hand out to poor families from school. I feel bad asking for one but we really need one. Who knows if our oven will even light this Thanksgiving, it has been acting up. Well we don't have a table to eat on so i wonder who this year is going to work. Last year dad and I picked at things while we waited for things to cool. He had drank so much he decided to take a nap before he ate. Mom and i, had to cut the food and serve our selves. It was sad. I ended just eating with mom in the living room. I don't remember what or where my nephew was during thanksgiving. Well this year he isn't going to be around like i hoped. He will be with his mother at her boyfriends house instead of hanging with his family like we all want. Well its will be just the three of us for Thanksgiving. Mom, Dad, and i. Last year we didn't bake pies like i love doing. They bought them. I was so upset. I always make the pumpkin pie. They bought a frozen pie. I refused to eat it. I wonder whats in the Thanksgiving basket from the school. I hope there is yummy foods that we need for Thanksgiving.

However this Thanksgiving is the one year anniversary of dating the person I'm dating. I'm so happy we made it one year and we still are happy. I hope it never ends. Well I wish i could have her with me when the food is done. It would be nice to eat with people i love. I love my family but it sucks how small our family will be when its Thanksgiving day. The person I'm dating will be busy for Thanksgiving. She goes to her families house and hags out with them. I wish i could go but i;m not welcome. I have a hard time fitting into their family. Most people in her family act like I'm just another person, which i like. But i don't feel like i am budding into things they do. Her family actually likes each other. They sit and eat meals together at least once a month. My family never does that. They are excited about holidays while my family just complains about what holidays is coming next. I cant wait to start my own holidays with my own family. so i can make them a happy time instead of having such sad memories. Its not fair.

I try to make the most of the holidays, but i feel like I'm the only one who is affected by the fact our holidays suck. Guess i am the one who is trying so hard to make a horrible holiday wonderful, and when i fail i cry.






Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who was more WRONG?






This is not a police car from my town, however we do see a Raymond police car at our house at least once twice a month. Once if were lucky :) The police are at my house for many reasons, mom called them on my sister or one of her dumb friends, someone in my house is being issued court papers, my sister stole from someone and they want the stuff back, my sisters friend has gotten in trouble with the law and the police are asking if we know where they have been hiding, or they are just visiting to make sure all is well and nothing is happening at the residence. One more, my favorite reason for the police to come to our house. My sister is sooooo drunk at a party that they are forced to drive her home because she has a baby and the police dont want her in jail. (Come on, like she takes care of that child.) Oh and by the way... the police never show up at my house for me. My dad has had court papers given to him for being a witness, and called the police himself for my sisters friends. My mom see the police a lot, she is the one most likely the one who had called the police to have a friend removed from the house. I had to talk to the police just once in the 10 years we have lived here. I saw the kid next door stole my bike tier.

Ok. So this post is called " Who was more wrong?" because I'm wondering If my mother who wants the best for my sister had been way more wrong than my sister who has basically neglected her son. (She isn't hurting him just not being there for him)

Ok. the SISTER situation.

     She has a wonderful little boy named Devin. He is about 2 1/2 right now. His birthday is in April. She would rather go out with friends, drink, ingest drugs (ether snorting Aderal, smoking weed, or even eating Shrooms) and just all around party. This poor little boy does not understand that mommy is unable to care for him. He loves her dearly and i know she loves him too but not in a healthy way. She comes home after being gone for three days and walks right by him, while he is crying with arms out wanting her to notice him. When she is watching him he cries for Mimi, who is my mother, his grandmother. His mother yells at him for crying. Tells him he needs to grow up and stop acting like a baby. Every time i hear that i wanna smasher over the head and tell her she needs to grow up and understand that he is just a baby. Obviously he is going to cry like a baby. UGHHHH. ok back to her. She is really conceded. When my mom makes food, my sister will sit in the kitchen and eat the food and tell Devin he needs to wait for her to finish before she is able to get him food. Whatever food she hadn't finished gets added to his plate and then she adds more. Mothers are to feed their children before they feed themselves. I feel she is a horrible parent who isn't even trying. But her friends think she is doing her best. I DISAGREE. but i cant do anything to make her a better parents so all i can do is ramble about it. (For everyone who is reading this, this is not happening everyday. there are times when she is a good mother. She will sit on the couch and watch tv with him. Sometimes she even plays with him. but its rare. He isn't being abused physically, maybe mentally and yes i know that will screw him up latter in life but I'm hoping just being there as his aunt is enough for him to not kill someone in middle school, like you see on tv. I almost feel bad saying


Guess that's enough of my issues with her. Now onto my mother..... Well she helped my sister find her current boyfriend. My mom was so hoping that a 21 year old was going to be mature and stop my sister from drinking and doing drugs. She was way wrong. He is the cause of it. He gives her the drugs, the alcohol and says things like Devin is retarded (meaning he was delayed) He was delayed but he is right where he needs to be cognitively. Anyway. Mom wants to find a good boy for my sister but cant seem to find anyone.

Well my sister borrowed my mothers phone and took provocative photos of herself. Mom decided to send thous photos out to five boys on her phone that she didn't know. She did this just to what happens. Well one boy rote back. Mom and him talked for while, though she was pretending to be my sister, and found out how much this boy loves her. He doesn't drink, he eats well, takes care of his ill mother, and even has graduated from high school. The most important thing is he doesn't drink or do drugs. The guy she sent the picture to sent a picture back. Well this photo was missing some... how should i put it, cloths. He is nice looking, really athletic. Mom wants so badly to have him steel my sister from the jerk she is dating. She was wrong for sending out the photo. Her thinking was, if you going to take sexy photos of yourself on someone elses phone you obviously wanted someone to see them. This guy wants so badly to be with my sister and my sister wont even give him the time a-day. Guessing she likes the bad boy kind, and doesn't care what kinds of people are around her son.

Both people where wrong in both situations... its just bugging me that both people are doing dumb things and are not thinking about how this is effecting the people around them.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Something that should have never happend. I'm sorry.

This post was supposed to be written yesterday but I was unable to get to a computer so I'm writing it now.

Originally written on November 7 at 1024.

Ok. So, I sit here in my room crying because the person i love so dearly has just left after spending the weekend with me. Well, I'm not entirely crying because she left it's more of a bunch of mixed emotions.

I have been attending Alanon meetings for about a year now. and I have tried to learn not to control a situation or it's outcome. Yeah well if you know me at allllllll, that's one of my so called character defects. (more Alanon for ya) Well, i have been working hard not to control what happens in my life or how things turn out. however I have not learned though Alanon how I should feel if I don't control someone or a said situation, and it turns out wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wrong. If I could have controlled that situation I wouldn't be feeling horrible about myself right now would I? NO is the answer if you were not sure.

Well, this is where i just get soooo confused about what I'm to feel when I do use Alanon. And if I feel horrible, have I done it wrong. People at meetings say there is no wrong way... but they don't know me. I am goooooood at finding loop holes in anything. And sorry Alanon I think I found yours.

A friend of mine has been partaking in many weekends of partying. (non Alanon thought) wants to tell her how i feel about this and make her stop before she gets into trouble.  (Alanon thought) has sat quiet and waited for her to hit rock bottom. God I'm a horrible friend. Well,  considering she got written up at a school she doesn't go to for partying in a sweet with boys after hours (which I'm sure was not her idea) That same week she smashes her brothers car less than two hours ago ( if i had actually typed this blog when I had done it on my Ipod.) I think she may have just hit rock bottom. I feel horrible i can't save her from her bad decisions. That is not my job thought as a friend I almost feel obligated too. Friends don't let friends get caught. Yet Alanon says for them to do what's is right you need to let the person in trouble deal with their actions outcomes, no matter how bad they may be. That just feels wrong to me. Verrrrry verrrrrry wrong.

Anyway, easily lost in typing thought. The person I had over just left to go and visit the person who crashed at the ER. I wanted to go, but i had conflicting feelings so I chose to stay home. Well I felt ( due to Alanon) that the person at the hospital needed to face what she had done. ( like she had done something wrong. The crash was soooo not her fault and I'm such a jerk for not caring more. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING A HORRIBLE FRIEND. I am not doctor but I feel that partying  had led to a seizure while driving. Yes its a horrible thing and the seizure isn't her fault but the partying that screwed with her med levels in her blood is. i do hope thought that she is going to be ok. She is a good friend and that's why i truly feel she needed to deal with this on her own. thought I want so badly to be there with her. And if I had a ride home I most likely would have gone with my other friend to visit her. I feel ashamed now for not going. What kind of friend am I. Isn't smashing a car enough to cause just the negative situation she needs. well i have no idea. Alanon has been messing with my thinking. I think both with Alanon and without it with every situation i encounter now. And have no idea which one is right. I wish i should be told but that isn't how life works... ughhhh.

So now I'm alone. Wishing I wasn't crying so much. My eyes burn and my cheeks are puffy. I look like a blow fish... lol. Minus the ability to deflate at will. lol... I have to wait.. oh those lucky little fish.

So by the way if anyone was wondering what Alanon was it's a twelve step meeting for people who are affected by someone else's drinking disease. the meetings use the same twelve steps as Alcoholics Anonymous (google the steps if you want to know more about them, just keep an open mind. The steps work if you work them.)

In closing.. I feel like a horrible friend, girlfriend, and just plain heartless. I don't know. If i did what i was supposed to or not (Alanon again :/) It's up to my higher power. God help me to do what's right and change only what i can and learn to leave well enough alone when i should just mind my own P's and Q's. The End ... I hope.

PS: sorry you hit your head, had a seizure, smashed your bothers car, and got caught at school for partying. God has a plan for you that's why you didn't die during that crash.. it was not your time.. You just need to wait and figure out what it is your supposed to do. Your a good person and a great friend and deserve so much less pain in your lie than your getting. Just wanted you to know.

I'm a horrible friend and I want so badly to make up for that. I am going to try harder. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

about it nothing that happened yesterday was your fault. You were in the right spot at the wrong time.

My Life In A Nut Shell- Part One

So, I was going to use this blog as a way to get to know myself using the 30 day blog challenge a friend told me about. Welllllll, I changed my mind, like I tend to do. I have better ideas that are more useful, to me that is.. I'm going to use this blog to keep records of thoughts and feelings of many situations in my life. Not sure what will be said in the future, in this blog, but I hope to keep people interested in the things that are going on in my life. Though those things may be happy or incredibly sad. I do have a lot of things going on right now that are not so pleasant to deal with, but I'm doing my best to work through them.

I'm currently dating someone who is my world. SHE... lol is one of my good friends who I hope I will never have to lean to live with out. Yeah that's right... you herd me I'M DYING FIRST.... :) What I really mean is that I hope I never have to learn to live with out her because WE. (sad face) didn't work out. We talk about how we want to be friends even after we brake up. I just think that's wishful thinking. It all depends on the brake up weather or not we are able to talk. I know we will both want to keep in touch but there will be hurt feelings getting in the way. I don't want to louse her ever but if things don't work out, I'm risking lousing one of my best friends who have been there for one of the hardest parts on my life. We haven't been friends long, Just over a year. But we hit it off from the beginning. I was dating a different person when we first met but we were just friends then. When school started again, I had a MAJOR brake up. I was broken up with over the phone with no idea it was going to happen. Well a good friend was there to help me off the bridge railing (figuratively). If it wasn't not for them caring so much about me I would still be a mess with no hope for the future. I don't want to say they were my rebound person. She may be but I hope I can be forgiven for that. My love for them is pure. I don't exactly know what I was feeling or thinking during those hard days just under a year ago. But I"m so thankful for the brake up I had. There was no love in the last relationship that matches the love I feel now and have now. I had my hole life planned out before, but I'm able to say happily now that I don't want those plans now. I'm much happier now.

So on a not so fun side. My dad is an active drinker. He drinks a lot on weekends and I'm not sure how much he drinks during the week since she has work. I do however know he is now starting to deal with heath issues due to the massive amounts of drinking. He has acid reflex disease. Along with the inability to not walk into walls that have been in place since we moved in. OK so that isn't a heath problem due to drinking, but man is it fun to watch him bounce off of dressers, walls and even the door to his own room. I go to Alanon because of his drinking. He isn't planning on working on his drinking problem, so I decided to work on my own issues and forget about his. I know one day he will be on his death bed and will probably be apologizing for the wrongs he had done. I just hope I can except his true apologies. I forgive him now for what he is doing since I know its a disease. I just cant seem not to yell back when he calls me horrible names and says horrible things.Alanon helps me to deal with everything that is happening with him and how I deal with those things in my everyday life. Even when I'm not around him I need to learn not to control people and or the outcomes of different situations I encounter each day. Alanon helps me to do that.... poorly I might add. I definitely need to keep going forever. Even after I figure out how to work my program correctly.

So I have more going on in my life but I'll leave it for another day.